Apples & Moustaches

Bearded Hatchet Wound

2011-10-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

By Magglio and Jericho

Apple

The Raiders should give the ball to McFadden 50 times a game. White safeties are not as cool as white running backs but are infinitely cooler than white wide receivers. Carolina is to backdoor covers as a Kardashian is to endorsing a product. Automatic.

Moustache
You know Apple's tagline: if you don't have an iPhone…well, you don't have an iPhone. Let me just say this: if you're standing in line at an Apple store right now…well, you're standing in line at an Apple store right now.

Apple
Fine, I'll be the one to say what we're all thinking: Casey Anthony and Amanda Knox should star in a porn called Bearded Hatchet Wound. Why would it be called that? Why wouldn't it be called that?

Moustache
If there was a button to push, so every time a preview for Whitney came on, it caused her to immediately stop talking, start stripping and for the boyfriend character to magically disappear never to be seen again. Then I would definitely push that button.

Apple
Want to know the one saving grace about being 0-4 in fantasy? You can see hand sanitizer on the counter. Wait, sorry, I screwed up the intro. Want to know the one saving grace about getting fingered by a high school football team?

Moustache
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that, even when presented him with this miraculous opportunity, Bruno Mars wouldn't change a fucking thing about that dumb cunt's stupid fucking face. It's goddamn fucking perfection. He'll also take a fucking grenade for that bitch. But then again, he's lazy and doesn't even want to get out of his goddamn fucking bed. In other news, I think Pandora's trying to kill me. I have a Van Morrison channel and a Stevie Wonder channel, Bruno gave them both herpes. Or maybe clicking thumbs down isn't strong enough. Maybe I should round house my monitor like some fucked up Chuck Norris movie.

III

Chubby bitches love me

2011-09-08T16:46:00.000-07:00

By Magglio and Jericho

Apple
The single greatest shirt to wear to a frat party would say, "chubby bitches love me." That would be a massive success on all levels. These are the things you think of when you're baby is screaming at 3am.

Moustache
There’s Lady Gaga’s alter ego weak, there’s Justin Bieber’s wardrobe weak, then there’s Kris Humphries weak. I mean this dude has entered an entirely new realm of pussydom. Sure, he’s putting it to Kim Kardashian but at what cost? Every minute of their silly relationship is in front of cameras and even worse there’s a picture of her feeding him an apple in this month’s US Weekly. An apple. Seriously. She’s feeding him. Remember when cameras caught Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod? At least he’s A-Rod. Who the fuck is this guy?

Apple
I’m addicted to reading the comments on cnn.com stories even though they are written by the dumbest humans on the planet. If anything, the comments are predictable. There’s always the bible thumper, the bigot, the sarcastic guy, the over sharer and the spell checker. You can get lost in the comments section. Be careful.

Moustache
You know who's an underrated douche? Jim Irsay, the owner of the Colts. Spend three minutes scrolling down his Twitter feed, you'll be amazed that a guy worth a billion dollars can be such a fuck knuckle. Look at the picture, look at the diction in his Tweets, then think about how much money this guy has. Anyone else want to stab themselves in the forehead? http://twitter.com/#!/jimirsay

Apple
Craziest spread this week: Niners -5.5 vs. Seattle
Easiest spread this week: Atlanta -3 at Chicago

Moustache
Do you think at family get togethers Lamar Odom pretends to not know who Kris Humphries is? Do you think Lamar shines up his rings and then makes Humphries carry his bags? Do you think in 2 seasons when Humphries is out of a job and Kim dumps him he’ll ask for the tiara she wore during the wedding in the settlement. Pussy.

III

At 25...

2011-08-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

By Magglio and Jericho...

At 25 I was only interesting in nailing the ditzy blonde. Today I just ask my wife to role play the ditzy blonde. Like Luda said "we want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed."

At 25 my wardrobe consisted largely of Snoop Dogg Clothing and Wu-Wear. Today it’s more about button down shirts and form fitting jeans. Don’t think I lost my street edge though. I’ll still blast a muthafucka.

At 25 I jerked off at least twice a day. Today, well, I still jerk off at least twice a day. I just have someone to help me out.

At 25 I used to smoke weed and do stuff. Clean my apartment; pay bills; grocery shop; go to the gym; organize my closet. Today if i get high I can barely perform my basic functions as a mammal. "I don't want to breathe right now, too fucking tired."

At 25 I started Rudi Johnson and LaMont Jordan at running back for my fantasy team. This year I’m hoping to start Jamal Charles and Ryan Williams.

At 25 I thought Jack White was a prophet sent from above. Today, I’m even more certain of his immortality.

At 25 I ate at Taco Bell on average 3 times a week. Today, I can’t remember the last time I went to a Taco Bell. I’m assuming their sales have plummeted since I opted out of their Grade D meat.

At 25 I took orders. Today I give them. Booyah.

At 25 I drank Captain Morgan’s with Diet Coke. Today I drink High West on the rocks.

At 25 I wondered if the Giants would ever win it all. Today I wonder if I’ll ever stop smiling/bragging/dancing/shit talking after last season’s incredible run.

At 25...I liked a finger in the butt. Not in a gay way, in a "I heard this makes blow jobs even more awesome" way. And it did. For a while. Eventually though, you have that moment when you realize, "Jesus Christ, there's a finger in my butt right now.” Sure, it's kinda awesome, but there's a fucking finger in my butt." 25 years old. What a place. Anyway, I like three fingers in there now.

III

Hooked on Pussy Phonics

2011-08-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

By Jericho -

Do you ever stop and think about how many pussies there are in the world? There are more than 3.4 billion women on the planet, that's a big fucking plate of pussy. How much does a pussy weigh? 2 pounds? 5 pounds? There could be as much as 17 billion pounds of fucking pussy on this planet! That's incredible! How big is a pussy? 3 inches tall by an inch wide? Is that even the right measurement? Do doctors measure pussy circumference? Pussy diameter? Does Pi factor into Cherry Pie? How am I supposed to think of measurement terms to keep this joke going when there are 10 billion fucking inches of pussy out there? Do you realize that if you stacked every pussy on top of each other, you'd have enough pussy to get to the moon and back! Space Pussy! One small step - Space Pussy! How are we supposed to just work, and walk, and eat - Space Pussy!

I know this is futile, but let's take a step back from the pussy population and think about a few other things that make life on this planet fucking awesome. Here's a few from my list: the NFL, the Box Office and the Kindle. I fucking love all three of these things.

What's more amazing: that Peyton and Brady have already thrown for a combined 89,572 yards or the fact that their yardage total is the equivalent of more than 1 million pussies? How much better did the Peyton v. Brady debate just get? Great game from Brady today: 24/33, 4,208 pussies and three touchdowns.

The Harry Potter franchise just passed Star Wars as the most lucrative franchise in history with more than $7.3 billion in worldwide gross. $7.3 billion fucking dollars! That means there twice as many ducats in Harry Potter's vault than pussies on earth. That's an unworldly dollar to pussy ratio.

Do you realize that if every pussy on the planet had the power of speech, and we assigned one word per pussy, those pussies could read War and Peace 62,000 times? That's some literary fucking pussy! I tried to read War and Peace once. I lasted for about 12 pages. Fucking Russian literature; long meandering sentences, desolate atmospheres, bad sausages around a dwindling fire. Fuck that noise. But you take that bleak fucking depressing bullshit and have it coming out of a pussy? Sign me the fuck up. Hooked on pussy phonics.

Fucking amazing isn't it? All these goddamn pussies. If you created an infographic charting all of these pussy facts then you'd be a gigantic fucking dildo because infographics are for cunts and fucktards. Look! This is what the Internet really looks like! This is what the tip of my dick really looks like. Here's an idea, all the cunts and fucktards that spend hours making dumb infographics about shoe sizes getting smaller and vegetable oil - Space Pussy!

III

Damn you's a sexy fish

2011-07-18T17:02:00.001-07:00

Apple
Netflix loves me. They make a killing from people like me. I’ve had ‘Into the Wild’ for 3 weeks now. Just sitting next to the TV like the fat girl at the bunny ranch hoping someone picks her for the evening. I’ll probably send it back. It says it’s 2 and a half hours long, I’ve already read the book, and I don’t think I can watch Emile Hersch’s stupid face for that long. Plus watching movies about anorexia just makes me hungry.

Moustache
The cover of Details magazine this month has a picture of Shia LaBeouf with the headline ‘Hollywood’s Last Bad Boy’. I’ve tried to finish this sentence 10 times with a joke. But nothing worked. Finally Jericho pointed out that the first sentence is the joke. So there you have it.

Apple
I want Laurel and CT to procreate. If only so that they create a super RR/RW Challenge baby. They could name it Aldon Rachel Lavin. Somewhere a mad scientist is focused solely on creating a super RW/RR competitor. I can’t see how this isn’t possible.

Moustache
One of my favorite jokes is doing the scissor motion when talking about two chicks. It’s just perfect. It beats the jerk off motion when you don’t care. And it narrowly beats the two handed underhand cup and lift at the chest motion. What it doesn’t beat is the two handed, make a V with your fingers and connect with a friend doing the same…then peep through the hole. You know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t then please stop reading this blog.

Apple
Remember this? Respect.

Oh yeah, follow us on Twitter @rickreilyisgay. We don’t do much. But it’ll make us feel cool if you follow us.

III

The Franchise on Showtime

2011-07-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

By Magglio

We get accused of being homers on this site a lot. And it’s a totally fair accusation. We love our teams. We love the west coast above and beyond all else. It’s just the way we do things. That being said, you can appreciate it when I say that the Showtime series premiere of ‘The Franchise: A season with the SF Giants’ was a complete failure.

Where to begin? The bar has been set so high for reality sports shows. HBO has been doing the Hard Knocks series on and off for the past 10 years. And recently they’ve excelled in the 24/7 series. HBO does this better than anyone. They create meaningful stories and insightful glimpses into a world the audience knows little about. They could cover a competitive gardening league and it would be better than what I saw last night. So needless to say when Showtime announced it had partnered with the Giants for an “all access look” throughout the season I was instantly turned on. To put it in perspective I signed up for Showtime the moment I heard about the show. That was 3 months ago and I haven’t watched anything on Showtime yet. Until last night.

Man, what a train wreck. Admittedly, they bit off more than they could chew by trying to recap the first 80 games of the season in a 60 minute time frame. But the problem is hardly any of the footage felt new or different. There were countless ‘interviews’ with players with standard cliché quotes that went nowhere. Great opportunities were missed. Every home series the Giants top brass (Bochy, Sabean, Baer and Neukom) get together to assess the current state of the team. They showed this meeting a handful of times and NOTHING important was said. I mean they all sat there like semi-interested fans wondering when the guy with the lemonades was coming around again.

How could Showtime mess this up so badly? And when the show did try to dig deeper it missed badly. Cameras followed Jeremy Affeldt driving home. Packing for a road trip. Eating a ham and cheese. It was painful. And so disappointing. The show missed another huge opportunity with Buster Posey. The parts about him were basically him sitting on a couch with a big cast on his leg talking about how it’s hard to not be out there and playing with the guys. There was no depth. No storylines. No nothing.

HBO reality sports shows have exceled because the viewer walks away feeling like they learned something; either about the team, about the players, about the sport…hell even about themselves. But nothing came of last night’s show.

The highlight was of course Brian Wilson. They easily could make this entire show about Brian Wilson. Well, that and Matt Cain’s fat baby. But nothing else sticks. Show us Panda in the dugout. Show us the players working out. Show us the weird rituals they do before games. Show us that swagger that makes them a first place team despite having the worst batting average in all of MLB.

The Giants are the most charismatic cast of characters to ever assemble on any sports team in the history of ever. And somehow Showtime made it come out tasting like tapioca pudding.

I’m obviously watching next week.

III

It Will Make Sense at the End

2011-07-14T12:24:00.001-07:00

By Jericho

- I don't just love food, I honor food. More importantly, I honor the history of food. Our ancestors didn't have supermarkets, ovens, pizza delivery boys. They had farms and they had fire. I honor those traditions. That's why I grow all my own food, cook it by fire and currently have dysentery. Sure, my vegetables taste like dog piss and look like something we feed death-row inmates, but the TRADITION lives. This is how I feel about the British Open. Who fucking cares if they invented the game there, the courses look like fucking shit! The weather is miserable, the players are miserable, it's terrible TV. In a world where courses like Augusta, Pebble and Sawgrass exist, why the fuck do we play a major championship in a fucking wasteland?

- Here's something you may not know about me: when I order a coffee, or a burrito, or hail a cab or ask a concierge where the nearest bathroom is, I like to use my full name and full title. "Yeah, hi, my name is Jericho Perseus Royall, I'm the senior director of saltiness for Apples and Moustaches, I studied English because I hate studying and love weed and amazingly graduated in four years and now I have that job that I just mentioned a few words ago in this sentence right after my name and before I told you what I studied. I'd like a latte please." This is how I feel about doctors wearing their scrubs in public, basically the clothing version of talking about yourself in the third person. We all get it, asshole, you’re a fucking doctor. You went to college for 16 years, make 800k and use the word epidermis in casual conversation. You know what? FUCK YOU. Bunch of pricks. Fuck doctors.

- After doing it for roughly 31 years now, let me tell you something I've learned about walking: it's much more effective with my thumb up my butt. Sure it's a bit awkward when I'm at the park, or ordering a coffee or on the treadmill with an inch and a half of thumb in me. And yes, I do look like a donkey-humping assbag. And yeah, people give me looks that say, "is that guy a retard or a sex offender?" But on the whole, or hole rather, my movements are more fluid and more efficient. This is how I feel about dudes who wear spandex pants. Awesome, you can ride your bike 2 mph faster and you've decreased wind resistance by 13%, but everyone can see your dick, you fucking idiot. Is finishing your run in 39 minutes rather than 42 really worth a thumb up the butt?

III

Cheers to Tuesday!

2011-07-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

The stars have aligned. Jericho is in the city for a nerd conference and we both bartered with our wives for the time off. Plus, I’m wearing the gayest sweater possible. Yes friends, it’s time for an impromptu man date Apples and Moustaches style. Time to celebrate one another like Brooke Shields discovering sex for the first time in The Blue Lagoon.

Four fearless predictions for a random Tuesday night dinner with Magglio and Jericho:

1 – I surprise Jericho with the news that US soccer chicks Abby Wambach and Megan Rapinoe used to date. He proceeds to ask the question who would you rather scissor one out; Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman or Hope Solo and Brooklyn Decker. We debate the question for a good 20 minutes, empty our cocktails and reload.

2 – I tell Jericho the following true story: A co-worker brought her kid to work today wearing a Dodgers hat. I shit you not. The kid must’ve been 9 years old. After telling the kid that his parents are idiots and they’ve severely misguided him in his youth we get into a spirited debate about baseball. It ends in me threatening to stuff him in the recycling can and lock him in there until his mom is ready to go home.

3 – We station ourselves in front of the TV at the bar/restaurant to watch the all-star game. We play the game “any time Joe Buck or Tim McCarver mispronounces a Latin player’s name in a hardly disguised attempt at racism” we take a drink. We have to end the game by the 2nd inning or else we won’t be standing by the 5th.

4 – Punches will be exchanged between one another. If I can get Jericho drunk enough then I stand a much better chance of dodging his haymakers. I’m man enough to admit that this is my only hope for success.

Enjoy the Palace buddy!

III

Wanna Smush?

2011-07-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

by Magglio and Jericho

Apple
I think it’s time we declare Jen Aniston the winner in the Angelina Jolie showdown. That chick looks damn sexy. I want to pour SmartWater all over her and smush her butt cheeks together. In ‘Just Go With It’ (don’t judge me) she goes toe-to-toe with Brooklyn Decker in a bikini. I think it’s fair to say she more than held her own. Skin and bones Jolie, with her weird head dresses and world peace tour? Keep it. I like my women a little scandalous, a little more girl next door, and with that banging yoga body. Holla back.

Moustache
Whenever I step out of the office I like yelling ‘hold all calls’ to our receptionist in a condescending, sexist sort of way. It makes me feel important. And harkens back to the days of chicks sleeping their way to the top. Brent, our receptionist, loves it too. I think.

Apple
“My phone was hacked by Rubert Murdoch” is now a great excuse if your significant other catches you having inappropriate sexts with an insignificant other. I haven’t tried it out yet. I don’t need to. I only sext with myself.

Moustache
Tourists in San Francisco are always easy to spot during the summer. Look for the idiots in shorts and flip flops shivering like idiots in the 50 degree weather. Or, find the people dressed in the overpriced ‘San Francisco’ jackets with clip art graphics because they were dumb enough to wear shorts and flip flops during the Summer in San Francisco.

Apple
I watched every second of the US Women’s World Cup game against Brazil. Incredible. 3 thoughts; 1) Those chicks don’t flop like the dudes do which makes the game so much better. 2) Hope Solo went to UW, Go Dawgs! 3) I’d totally nail the little one who looks like a highlighter. Next game is Wednesday morning at 8:30am against France. Suck it France.

Moustache
Apologies to The Green Lantern, Captain America, The Change-Up and Mr. Popper's Penguins, but the ballot for worst movie of the year officially closed when this trailer was released.

Which is dumber: the title, the premise, the tagline (Evolution is now Revolution) or James Franco's face? It's a four-way tie right? Here's a quick test for whether your movie is going to bomb or not: does it have "of the" twice in the title? If the answer is yes, then you're movie is going to bomb. If the answer is no, but James Franco is prominently involved, the answer is still yes. Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Legend of the Fall of the Legends Who Fell. The Passion of the Christ of the Man Whose Passion was Christ-like. Lord of the Flies of the Many Flies and the Men Who Lorded Over Them. How fucking of the dumb are we?

III

The Voice

2011-07-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

By Jericho

Four thoughts on The Voice:

1) Adam Levine is definitely going to have an STD named after him someday. "I can barely sit down; I think that waitress from the party gave me Adam Levine." The guy is destined to be the Lou Gehrig of pubic rashes.

2) Cee Lo scares the fuck out of me. Doesn't it feel like there are two kinds of weirdos in Hollywood: the purposefully weird and the weird as fuck. Lady Gaga feels purposefully weird to me, I bet she drinks a lot of tea and watches a lot of old movies in her jammies. Same with David Bowie, Russell Brand and Prince. These people are weird, don't get me wrong, but their images are calculated extensions of their weirdness. On the other hand, people like Jon Voight, Bjork and Mickey Rourke are weird as fuck. Cee Lo humps Muppets. He uses albino alligator blood as face lotion. He still uses the phone book. If I ever saw Cee Lo walking towards me, I'd be knocking bitches over to get the fuck out of there.

3) Here's a sentence that looks completely, comically wrong but is absolutely true: between 1999 and 2001, Carson Daly could've fucked any 16-24 year old on the planet. Boy or girl. That's insane isn't it? The Carson Daly "TRL pussy/butthole run" (great fantasy football team name) has no comparison or precedent for one simple reason: he's completely talentless. Burt Reynolds in the late 70s, Eddie Murphy in the early 80s, Kevin Costner in the late 80s, Johnny Depp in the mid-90s, Derek Jeter in the early 00s and the current Justin Timberlake runs are amazing, but they are explainable, those guys are awesome. Carson Daly introduced music videos and he was the undisputed butthole/pussy champ for three straight years? I don't think we'll ever see a run like that again. Remember when Magic Johnson said "we'll see five more Michael Jordans before we see another Larry Bird?" We won't see another Carson run in our lifetime.

4) The gossip rags and celebrity sites have been destroying Xtina and rightfully so, she's so bloated that she could be used as floatation device in the case of a water landing. However, let's not forget two things: a) she's never been more attainable. The Xtina from that Maxim photo shoot with the inter tube was the Hope Diamond; you better enjoy the picture because you're not getting within 1,000 miles of the real thing. Modern day Xtina? For three Xanax, four Vicodin and a plate of chili fries you could take a dump on her face. Isn't that what it's all about? And b) if I'm Xtina's management, I take away her plate of 12 sausages and replace it with a plate of 27 sausages. Her destiny has always been to be the white Aretha, so let's keep this gravy train rolling. Literally. More gravy for that fat bitch. I've never understood why girls like Xtina, Kelly Clarkson and Adele, after her upcoming bulimia/anorexia/coke-fueled flame out, try and wiggle around and be Britney. Britney has to wiggle around and be Britney, the bitch can't sing worth a fucking shit. She sounds like an auto tuned fart. Take it to the house, XLtina! Fuck the genie, Xtina should be trying to get more barbecue sauce out of that bottle. Sit your big ass down on a big fucking chair and sing your fat fucking nuts off.

Oh and also: 5) I've never actually seen The Voice. Any good? It looks pretty fucking dumb.

III

We're fucked for sure

2011-07-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

By Magglio and Jericho

Apple
I got drunk this weekend and made a stupid bet. (By the way, nobody is surprised by that sentence.) I bet a dude that the NFL lockout would end today. If it does I get $500 bucks. If it doesn’t then I owe him $20. The latest from camp is that Roger Goddell is ensuring the West Coast will continue to get fucked on the MNF start time and DeMaurice Smith is having a hard time deciding which hat to wear the next time he exits a meeting. So much for progress. Pricks.

Moustache
My final tally for Sunday’s bbq: 3 bratwursts, 4 cheeseburgers and enough potato salad to make one’s eyes emit mayonnaise. Talk about feeling like an American. So much for my vegetarian kick.

Apple
Guys it would be fun to fight: Novak Djocavek, Tom Cruise, James Spader, Justin Timberlake, Wendi Nix, Al Roker, Jimmy Fallon

Moustache
Transformers 3 just had the 2nd biggest worldwide opening of all time – finishing the holiday weekend with over $380m combined. What the fuck is going on? In Zynga's IPO filing it was revealed that its revenue is up 319% in 2010? What the fuck is going on? The hotdog eating contest was the lead story on SportsCenter last night. What the fuck is going on? America's Got Talent was the #1 show in America last week. What THE FUCK is going on? Forget Global Warming. This is the real proof that our planet is fucked.

Apple
Retro things are sorta cool in a sorta cliché hipster sorta way. You know what’s not cool? Having a discman. I saw some dude at the gym yesterday carefully balancing his discman on his lap while he was lifting weights. That’s not cool. Sweatbands, now those are cool. But a discman? You’re trying too hard bro.

Moustache
Forgot that Five Hour Energy poison; if you really want to perk yourself up at 2:30, here's what you do: Head to the bathroom, grab a stall and take your pants off. Nothing lewd (unless that's your thing), just kick off your shoes, hang your pants on the hook, take a piss with your boxers at your ankles, then step back, do a few calf raises to get the twins swinging, then right back to your day. You're gone from your desk for five minutes top and will be reenergized for the rest of the day. Trust me. It's very refreshing.

III

That's how I roll

2011-06-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

The best $15 you can spend.

III

Baby Talk

2011-06-28T16:12:00.000-07:00

Nine observations from the best/worst season of The Bachelorette ever.

1 - Ashley mentions Bentley so often that the wife and I started a drinking game. We take shots every time she says his name. That game ended after about 25 minutes last night when neither of us could see straight.

2 - The group date continues to be a complete disaster. From the Thai boxing to the roast to the stupid ass dragon boat racing from last night, you can always count on the group dates being full of awkward moments, tears and homoerotic tension.

3 - I still cannot tell Ben and Constantine apart. They are the same height, have the same dumb hair and both enjoy a finger in the butt. I’m assuming

4 – Ashley is a PR nightmare for women everywhere. She is the whiniest bitch on the planet. She embodies every negative stereotype chicks have to deal with. She’s insecure, she’s clingy, she cries all the time and she baby talks. Plus she fell for the bad guy. Next thing you know she’ll start talking about how she thinks it’s ridiculous she has the right to vote.

5 – If you don’t think JP is winning it all then you’re wrong. And yes, it’s all about winning. This show is far past the fairy tale hoax they once tried to sell. Every guy there is competing for the cover of US Weekly and more random hummers than he could ever hope for. Fact.

6 – I respect Mickey for walking away last night and honestly expect something like that to happen a lot more often. It’s ridiculous to think all of these guys are actually falling for Ashley. None of these dudes would talk to her in real life. Except for Ames. I’m not sure he’s ever even seen a boob in real life. That dude has definitely tried sex with the family cat growing up.

7 – Ashley’s tits went from cute and tiny to big time fun last night. Maybe she’s starting to gain weight like Chantel did last season.

8 – Bentley (take a drink) is definitely going to be next season’s bachelor. He’s good looking, he’s a complete asshole and every chick out there thinks they have what it takes to break through his bad boy image. You don’t think ABC can see this? Hell, I can see this.

9 – Too bad Blake and Ryan can’t make an appearance on this season’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Rivals. They’d get worked by CT and Adam. But that’s another post for another time.

III

Go suck a lemon

2011-06-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

I’m a sucker for a lemonade stand. Doesn’t matter where I’m headed or what I’m doing but I will always stop for kids at a lemonade stand. I think it stems from the many hours spent on the streets with my sister peddling soggy 3 oz. paper Dixie cups for 10 cents and never understanding why nobody took us up on the 2 for a quarter “special” we had going.

Lemonade stands are a great way to meet the kids in the neighborhood, you know, for when they grow up to be asshole teenagers and they’re deciding which house to vandalize. I’m hoping to build some emotional currency early. Plus it’s usually a very painless process. The kids are usually so stunned that they have an actual customer you have to help them do the math for what you’ve ordered. The whole transaction is over in no time and you feel like you’ve done your good deed for the day.

My, how things have changed.

By the time I reached the stop sign my car was already surrounded. They swarmed the open car window like third world refugees and I was the first white person they’d ever seen. It was hard to tell who the leader was (always important to identify). At first it seemed like it was the lanky kid with the purple shirt.

“We have lemonade and wallets,” he informed me as the others kept screaming ‘LEMONADE!’ at the top of their lungs like they’d just learned the word.

“How much is the lemonade?” I asked.

“Forty-five cents,” the shirtless kid with the dirt on his forehead let me know.

This should have been my first warning. Never trust kids at a lemonade stand who have uneven prices. Make it a quarter, fifty cents or an even dollar. Because once they get tricky with the price it means things get a lot more confusing with the change. Remember this rule, always.

“Great, I’ll have a cup of lemonade,” I said to the collection of kids now at least 10 deep.

“DON”T YOU WANT A WALLET,” the little girl with pigtails and a rainbow on her shirt called out. (And yes, it deserves to be written in caps. At this age kids cannot control the volume of their voice.) Before I could answer the mass of tiny people moved to the folding table to grab all of the swag they were hawking.

“I MADE THIS ONE,” a gap-toothed kid yelled through the passenger window of my car, causing me to jump in my seat. Were they multiplying?

“Wow, pretty cool wallets,” I say in my best older guy trying to relate to kids voice. “How much are they,” I asked.

The Asian kid with the green collared shirt calmly announces “they’re five dollars.” The other kids grew quiet and stared at him like he was David Koresh. Maybe this guy is the leader?

I thought for a second. Five dollars is nothing. Plus the kids were all hanging on my decision like I was deciding if it was bedtime or they could play for an extra hour.

“Sure, I’ll take a wallet too.”

It was like I told them they were all getting puppies. The mass of children exploded. Half of them dashed immediately to the wallets. One of the kids asked me which one I wanted. Having not seen the wallets, nor quite understanding what I had just committed to, I told him I wanted the ‘coolest’ one they had.

“HE WANTS THE COOLEST ONE,” the kid screamed as he sprinted back to the group knocking over the pigtailed girl in the process.

As I sat waiting for my delivery I noticed a fat read head kid holding a skate board and grinning at me. It made me uncomfortable.

“How’s business,” I asked. Making idle chatter.

“You know,” he said with a wry smile. “It’s business.”

The next part was a blur. One of the kids shoved a wallet made entirely out of pink duct tape in my hand while another handed me a ½ full cup of lemonade. I handed the kids a 20 and sipped my overly sweet crystal light lemonade.

There was a look of confusion on the kid’s faces. They didn’t have change they explained to me. “UNLESS YOU WANT TO MAKE IT A TIP,” the blonde haired surfer kid told me as another shushed him, aware of the kid’s blatant forwardness.

What was I to do? It was probably the first wallet they sold and they were all looking at me on the verge of tears aware that they may have just compromised their biggest sale of the day. It was like an old fashion duel. And I was the one who lost.

“That’s fine. Just do the best you can,” I said, instantly regretting my decision. Like the time I handed a guy a 50 pound note in the SOHO district of London and was told to ‘wait here’ for my bag of weed. Yeah, I was never seeing that money again.

The Asian kid handed me three dollar bills and the lanky kid with the purple shirt handed me over a fistful of coins. Everyone held their breath. This was the moment of truth.

“Thanks guys have a good day,” I said.

As I drove away I checked the rear view mirror. They celebrated like the Germans watching Dirk dethrone the King.

Man, I’m a sucker for lemonade stands .

III

A&M's...just like old times

2011-06-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

Apple
Please take my next rant with a grain of salt, because watching chicks prance around in sun dresses feels like connecting on a +310 money line. Dudes look stupid in shorts. Let’s take that a step further, if you’re a dude in warm weather you either look like a country club cocksucker or a 7th grade stoner. There is no in between. I’d much rather wear jeans and a button down then any of the options out there for 90 degree heat.

Moustache
The two most overused words in sports journalism: shun and redemption. Free agents don't sign with teams anymore, they shun their other suitors. LeBron definitely shunned Cleveland, in fact he ass shunned them, which absolutely should've been the ESPN headline, but has anyone else deserved the shun tag in the last five years? And once the shunning starts where does it stop? Did you hear Brady shunned the treadmill for the elliptical yesterday? Or that Durant shunned his post-up game by shooting threes? Or that Jeter shunned Minka's left boob to work on the right one? Or that I shunned the term "cold-shoulder" in order to write this paragraph?

Apple
We watched the movie ‘Babies’ last night. Man, what a stupid movie. Look, I like babies just about as much as a straight dude can, but I don’t want to watch them on screen for an hour and half. There was not plot, no story, no connection between the different babies besides looking for tits all day long. People must feel compelled to say they like the movie since it’s all about babies and who doesn’t like babies? It’s like being at the zoo and saying you didn’t think the Panda Bears look cuddly.

Moustache
One of the fundamental differences between men and women, is that women work in groups and men essentially operate alone. Women consult their friends about everything, take the average of the opinions and then present it to their boyfriend/husband as fact. "I talked to slut, cunt, dumbass, prissy face, fat wad, whiny and the chick you secretly fantasize about and we all agree that you were an asshole two weeks ago at the BBQ and should call fuck leg and apologize." How the fuck is that fact? If I ever start basing my life around what fat wad and prissy face think, take a gigantic knife and plunge it into my fucking head. As you're nodding in agreement, let me ask you this: can you fucking imagine if guys tried this tactic? "Honey, I was chatting with the dudes at the game and we all think that you should try anal. Even the bartender was appalled that we haven't tried it. He's a great guy; goes by Squirt. So you down or what?"

III

Hot Hot City!

2011-06-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

Six Quick Thoughts About the Summer Box Office

by Jericho

1 - Warner Brothers reportedly spent close to $400m (production + marketing) on The Green Lantern. Read that sentence again. Who the fuck thought that this was a good idea? I wouldn't see this movie if I was on fire. Speaking of how bloated and tired the superhero genre is, anyone seen the trailer for Captain America? Man, Hollywood doesn't just beat a dead horse it brings it to parties and makes its arms move like Weekend At Bernie's. "Look, the superhero genre is waterskiing! It's dancing to Fine Young Cannibals and smoking a cigar! You know what? We should approve a $400m budget for a movie about a hero that no one has heard of starring a guy that no guy likes."

2 - Poor Jim Carrey. One of the most talented actors ever – not just of his generation – EVER and he's stuck making Mr. Popper's Penguins. How did we get here? Is Jim Carrey the LeBron of movies or is it the other way around?

3 - Johnny Depp's contract for Pirates 4 included $35m up front and 10% of the global gross. At last count, the movie has made $953m, good for 11th all time and is in position to be the eighth movie to pass the $1 billion mark. Depp's payday: $130m.

4 - Speaking of Pirates, remember all of the scrutiny surrounding the first movie? Disney is doing what? A movie about a theme park with an indie actor as the lead; how could that possibly work? The end result: 4 movies, 3 of which are in the top 10 all time (#4, #9 and #10, with the original making a paltry $654m and ranking# 48), $3.6 billion in worldwide gross and that indie actor is now the most marketable actor in the world.

5 - Speaking of that indie actor, when you throw Alice in Wonderland into the mix ($1 billion gross, #6 all time), Depp has starred in 4 of the biggest 10 movies of all time. He's had 6 movies cross the $200m mark domestically, 4 cross #300m and 2 cross #400m. 8 movies have opened with $30m+, 5 have opened with $50m+ and 4 have opened with $90m+. We used to talk about Hanks, Will Smith, Eddie Murphy and Harrison Ford as the rulers of the box office, but it's Depp's throne now.

6 - I bet you $1,000 that if you went through JJ Abrams' porn collection you would find that: a) he dubs all of the voices with this own and b) he recuts every scene so they are completely out of order and confusing. Fan: "JJ, what was going on with the handjob in the middle? Whose hand was it? And why did the girl sound like you?" JJ: "There are a lot of theories, the most pervasive and maybe the one I like the best, is the idea that WE are the hand and the WORLD is the dick and balls." (Am I still bitter about the last season of Lost 14 months after it ended? You bet you're fucking ass I am.)

III

Seriously.

2011-06-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

I haven’t had caffeine in 4 months. Ok, that’s not completely true. I had a triple espresso after a ridiculous 4 hour dinner in Vegas in order to keep the party going. I also nursed a Frappuccino while I listened to an insane job offer from Starbucks to join their Frappuccino team. I thought it seemed apropos. (And no, I didn’t take the job.) But that’s it. Two times in the last four months.

What was I thinking?

The short of it was I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a mid-life writing crisis where I feel like everything I ever wanted to be as a writer has simply passed me by. But then I read Grantland or Wells Tower or this burger blog and it does nothing but inspire me to get back on my horse.

Jericho and I still talk (IM) every single day. All day long. He’s got a kid now. And I am still getting a majority of my life lessons by watching ‘My Super Sweet 16’. And at least once a week I’ll be laughing so hard at something he’s typed that it makes me miss the days of writing this blog. And I tell him. And he agrees. And then the phone rings or an email comes in or some lame meeting reminder pops up and it’s back to ground zero.

I used to be paranoid that people would know I wrote this blog. Now I’m just paranoid that this blog will simply stop existing because we’ve stopped writing. I blame it on the lack caffeine.

III

Happy 18th Miley!

2010-11-23T10:31:00.000-08:00

by Magglio and Jericho

Apple
Operation ‘grow a beard’ lasted exactly 5 days. I couldn’t face Monday morning with my pathetic face. Plus the itching was driving me nuts. My level of respect and admiration for Brian Wilson has just increased…again.

Moustache
Magglio’s Super Bowl Picks: Atlanta vs. New England

Apple
How many people loved seeing Big Ben get punched in the face by Richard Seymour? Big Ben is a good quarterback on possibly the best team in football, but he definitely deserves to be punched in the face a lot more. (How many chicks just shifted their tits and nodded their head after reading this? How many chicks read this blog? Chicks and their tit shifts are so cool)

Moustache
It was fun seeing Stanford horsecock Cal. I know it’s a huge rivalry, but Stanford is really good this season and Cal really sucks. Any other result would have sent the wrong message to the BCS. Don’t let Cal’s 2 point loss to #1 Oregon a week ago fool you. They’re a terrible football team lead by one of the most overrated coaches in the country. If Tedford returns next season I’m encouraging all those grunchy nerd hippies in Berkeley to do something drastic. Like threaten to save a rainforest a day until he’s gone.

Apple
Jericho’s Super Bowl Picks: Green Bay vs. New England.

Moustache
Have you heard the new Girl Talk? Why not? It’s insane. The guy is more than just a DJ with a laptop mashing up random songs. He hears music differently. He sees the make up of songs in a totally new way. And he shares his findings with all of us. This album is perfect for working out, perfect for a party, perfect for working, perfect for making dinner, perfect for having sex. The equivalent of a 5 tool athlete. It’s the Raul Mondesi of music. Yeah, a Giants fan just went there. Download now.

Apple
Here's a fun game to play at work, whenever someone writes IMHO (short for: "In My Honest Opinion for the non-office drones out there) in an email, change the definition to be "In My Hairy Opening." This is a gift that keeps on giving. In My Hairy Opening we really need to get the team working together. In My Hairy Opening, the coffee machine just doesn't get hot enough. See?

Moustache
Wait, did the Giants win the World Series?

III

I love Torture!

2010-11-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

In 2002, when the Giants were up 3-2 in the World Series against Anaheim and 5-0 in the 7^th inning of Game 6, I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was at the corner of Broadway and Columbus. I was at a sports bar in the heart of the city surrounded by rabid Giants fans. And I was ready to dance in the streets.

And then it all fell apart.

The Angels stormed back to win the game and eventually take Game 7 and the championship. We were robbed of our chance to end years of suffering. We were robbed of our chance to dance in the streets.

It hurt real bad. Sports do that to you. You can believe so passionately in something and do everything in your power to will something to be, that when it isn’t, the letdown is beyond describable. My brother and I didn’t talk about that game for years. We just couldn’t bear to reopen the wound. It hurt that bad.

Fast forward to 2010, this past Monday night to be exact. The Giants were up 3-1 in the World Series against Texas and 3-0 in the 7^th inning of Game 5. I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was at the corner of King St. and Second St, right across from the ballpark. I was at a sports bar packed so tightly with roughly a thousand of the most rabid Giants fans you’d ever seen/heard. Hell, the chants of ‘Let’s go Giants’ and ‘Uribe’ started hours before the first pitch.

When the Rangers hit a solo shot with 1 out in the 7^th to make the score 3-1 I held my breath. I couldn’t help but immediately think of the series against the Angles. The similarities were just too apparent. I immediately thought of my brother and wondered if he too was thinking the same thing. I immediately turned to my wife and told her about the coincidental timing.

“Why are you telling me this?” she shouted. “You’re going to jinx this.”

“I can’t jinx this,” I shouted back, barely audible over the anxious crowd. “We’re going to win this game. I know it. You know it. Hell, everyone here knows it.”

And I was right.

There was something different about this game. About this series. About this team. The pieces started to align months ago when we brought in guys like Aubrey Huff and Javier Lopez. We knew all along that if we could just sneak into the playoffs then we could go a long ways. Our pitching was just that good.

And we did sneak in. And our pitching was that good. And in hindsight, though it was nerve racking and I may need a new liver, we dominated the 2010 playoffs. Nobody seriously challenged the Giants. We absolutely destroyed everyone in our path.

So rewind to a couple of nights ago. We got through that 7^th inning and cruised through to a 3-1 final victory. I was exactly where I wanted to be. In the middle of San Francisco. High-fiving strangers, dancing in the streets, and celebrating a feeling that only sports can provide you with.

Damn it feels good to be a Champion.

III

Staying warm

2010-10-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

I think I’ve had more to drink in the past 2 weeks than I have in my entire life. A complete exaggeration, but it still feels like it. It’s Giants baseball, and it’s got me good. On a normal week I’ll drink once maybe twice a week. And that’s almost always on the weekend. I rarely have a drink after work. Not for any particular reason, just because that’s how I roll.

But these past 2 weeks. Holy shit. It’s been a bit of a shit show. I drank 3 beers last night on the ferry ride home. And the ferry ride is all of 30 minutes. This isn’t a seedy bar on a Friday night. This is your friendly evening commute on the ferry ride home. And I got after it. Why? Because of Giants baseball. That's why.

I had a grown up moment last weekend. It was a Friday night. The Giants were up 4-1 at home against Atlanta in game 2 of the NLDS and I was standing at an open bar, watching the game, during a rehearsal dinner. If you know me, or you read this blog enough, you know that I like the brown stuff. No, not black chicks. (But I’d totally nail Alicia Silverstone’s friend in Clueless. She shows her tits in some Showtime movie she did a few years bag. Huge nipples. very pointy. Still sexy. Whatever. Where was I?) I like whiskey. Let me try that again. I love whiskey. Jericho and I started a whiskey drinking club a few months back. It basically means we each buy a nice bottle of whiskey and go back and forth sampling the two, making asinine comments like we’re wine tasting (“it has an earthy finish”), until we’re good and smashed. Then we keep drinking some more. And then some more. And we drink it on ice. So there is nothing to slow us down. You can see how this goes. Pretty fucking sweet huh?

But there is a massive difference between a whiskey tasting night with Jericho, and an open bar at a rehersal dinner during Giants playoff baseball. Trust me on this one. At first, everything was great. How could it not be? We were cruising along with a 3 run lead, I was making small talk with the mother of the bride and yucking it up with the groomsmen. All the while, I was slamming whiskey. I was oblivious. I was nervous. I was elated at the thought of the Giants advancing.

And then we lost the lead in the 8th inning.

What started as a fun, celebratory evening, quickly turned ugly. And angry. And messy. And sloppy. And ass-slap happy. I'll spare you the details. But at the wedding the next day I had to apologize to no less than 3 people. Including a bridesmaid. And the brother of the bride. Fuck I can be stupid sometimes.

So I’m off the sauce. I’ve grown to like beer. Sorta. Besides the frequent peeing I’m enjoying my beer only adventures. I definitely get drunk. But I feel a bit more composed while doing so. Whatever that means.

Bottom line, the Giants are running my life right now. I've neglected my fantasy teams. I've stopped working out. I've snapped at my wife for no reason. And I've drank myself into a stupor on an almost nightly basis. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. God I love the Giants.

*Big Easy’s lock of the week…if gambling was legal, or course: East Carolina over Marshall, giving 12.5. Lock it down bitches.

III

Week 2 Observations

2010-09-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

By Magglio and Jericho

For the Jets, it’s all about confidence. They were down early to the Pats but were able to make a few good stops on defense, followed by a few good plays on offense, which ultimately restored their confidence. Sanchez is a fragile little girl. But Sunday he felt pretty so he had a good day. Mark my words, the Jets will lose at New England in Week 13. Someone will tell Sanchez he looks fat in his football pants and he’ll cry like he lost the school vote for prom queen. Pats take the 2nd meeting for sure.

Yesterday across the bottom line there was a line item that the Jags picked up Todd Bouman at QB. Seriously? If you’re a Jacksonville fan….actually, if you’re a Jacksonville fan never read our blog again. But a word of advice, it’s time to pick up a new hobby…like getting fist fucked. Give it a whirl. I can’t imagine you’d feel any worse than you do right about now.

Wade Phillips should be fired right now. Seriously. No need to wait until after they get embarrassed in Houston. Just fire the lifeless bastard right now. Anyone know his phone number? I’m happy to make the call personally.

The Seahawks, as we pointed out last week, are absolute dog shit. I have no confidence in their abilities, in their coaching staff or in their masculinity. They’re horrible. And besides Lofa Tatupu I’m not sure there’s anything cool about the team. If you’re a Seahawks fan you might want to just run a hose from the exhaust pipe into the car and get it over quickly. This is going to be a long and shitty season.

Here's a new rule: if you’re a cute chick, and you add a photo album to Facebook that's called "summer lovin!" or something to that effect, and it doesn't have one bikini shot, then you have to add a picture of your boobs

The Chiefs are not as good as their 2-0 record and the Niners are about to expose them as frauds. This should be fun.

Fantasy Fuck Yous: Maurice Jones-Drew, Joe Flacco, Michael Turner, Ryan Matthews, Bernard Berrian, Shonn Greene (again) and everyone on the Bengals.

The Steelers are Super Bowl bound. (there, you happy now Emily?) This is the truth. They’re playing lock down defense and beating fuckers with Charlie Batch. Read that sentence again. Then pretend its 1997, Bone Thugs is dropping ‘Tha Crossroads’ and you and your friends are certain Miles Simon is in fact the next Michael Jordan. Imagine what happens when Big Ben comes home. And you thought that chick in the bathroom got a rude awakening.

Big Easy’s Betting Tip of the Week (if betting were legal, of course): Bengals -3.5 at Carolina. The Panthers are rolling out Jimmy Clausen for the first time. ‘Nuff said.

No seriously, Jags fans, stop reading our blog.

III

Thoughts on Week 1

2010-09-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Week 1 - by Magglio and Jericho

-Watching the Seahawks destroy the Niners was like watching your chick put on a sexy nighty while she's on her period. For a split second, all rationality goes out the window and you think, "oh, I'm gonna tear that ass up." Never happens. Hasn't happened once in the history of the earth or the penis (not sure which was first). So, root for the Hawks at your own risk. Just remember, there's a bloody puss down there.

-The Jets and the Ravens game was fantastic from start to finish. I loved every single story line that became a bit clearer as the night went on; Ray Lewis is still the best defensive player in the league, Rex Ryan my be the coolest son-of-a-bitch on the planet, the Ravens have 3 veteran WRs who are impossible to defend even if you have corners like the Jets, Gruden is the smartest announcer in the game and Jaws is becoming increasingly paranoid, and Mark Sanchez can’t throw the ball more than 10 yards. The only thing missing was a sexy Mexican sideline reporter. Oh wait.

-Fuck Tim Hightower, Phillip Rivers, Shonn Greene, Kevin Kolb, Bernard Berrian, Arian Foster, and the entire 49ers organization.

-Watching Vick elude the Packers defense was reminiscent of his days at Va Tech. He’s still got moves. It’s amazing to think he’s the same year as Ladanian Tomlinson. Two years in the clink kept his legs fresh. The question is what is the best TD dance Vick could do after he runs one in? So far the best I’ve come up with is this: After he scores, two of his lineman come over and get on all 4s while facing each other. Then, two of the other lineman hold on to the ‘collars’ of the down lineman as they lunge at each other barking ferociously. Vick then stands in the middle with his arms spread wide and looks to the heavens as a gesture to all the dogs he put down. Too much?

-I don’t think the Bears are very good, but there is a good chance they can beat Dallas this weekend and roll into week 3’s MNF game in Green Bay at 2-0. Their offense, despite Mike ‘am I still relevant?’ Martz, is still super sketchy. The Bears D should keep them in games but they still have some big time problems. Why do I think they can beat the Cowboys on Sunday? Because the Cowboys are like Heidi and Spencer. Too interested in their own fame to figure out that they have absolutely no talent. Ooooh. Facial!

-The Colts are not as bad as they appear after Week 1.

-The Chiefs are not as good as they appear after Week 1.

-Brett Favre is done. He’s too old and too brittle to make this work one more time. My money is on Tavaris Jackson becoming the starter, because of injury, by week 6. And I promise that is the last time I will mention Brett Favre ever again.

- Um, best pic ever?

III

At least we're not Cubs fans

2010-09-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

I’m 31 years old and I spent half of my day on Saturday stressed out, pouting and hurling insults at my TV while my wife maniacally swept and mopped the floors. It’s football season.

Now let me explain the sexist scene. My wife wasn’t cleaning because she’s the woman of the household, she was cleaning because she was too nervous about watching the Husky game. I don’t blame her. I chewed off every single finger nail before half time. How does it get like this?

When I was little the Niners won the Super Bowl every single year. So while it was fun, it never felt like we had just conquered the world. I knew every season we’d probably steam roll every team and I’d celebrate with my dad and brother accordingly. It was expected.

And the Giants were the Giants. We were always pretty good. We got our ass handed to us in the ’89 World Series by the A’s but we had guys like Will Clark, Kevin Mitchell and Matt Williams…so it was always magic. And we had superheros on our team so who cared if won the big one?

When my brother was old enough to realize what was going on he became an obsessive Giants fan. But his obsession bordered on psychotic. I remember when he was about 6 or 7 years old, he would lock himself in his room for hours after the Giants lost a game. A game. In a good year the Giants would lose at least 70 games. I was always stunned that he couldn’t just get over a loss. I mean, it’s just sports right?

But lately, I find myself feeling like a 7-year old kid locked in my bedroom. I’m taking each Giants loss personally. A roughing the kicker call against UW almost caused me to lose my voice I was yelling so loud. What happened? How did it get like this?

In 2001 I watched Tuiasasopo march all over Drew Brees and the Boilermakers to win the Rose Bowl and finish 3rd in the country. In 2002, I was 5 outs away from dancing in the streets of San Francisco and pouring beers on the heads of complete strangers. But that’s it. I obsess about sports every day of my life. And I can count on one hand the amount of successes I’ve felt in return.

What kind of ROI is that?

Half of you are probably rolling your eyes. Because you’re probably a Cubs fan or a Bengals fan. But I don’t care. That means nothing to me. I’m a Giants fans. And a Niners fan. And a Husky fan. And every time one of my teams takes the field every fiber of my being is hoping, praying and focusing on a victory.

So when the Giants win the World Series this year will it all be worth it?

I’m not sure quite yet.

But I’m really fucking excited to find out.

III

We love chicks.

2010-09-01T15:07:00.001-07:00

Want to do some guilt free creepy stalking? Then click here for the complete slide show.
You're welcome. And God bless women.

(Thanks GQ)

*

A&M's Mid-Year Movie Awards

2010-08-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a bit all over the place. I haven’t seen enough movies to do a complete summer recap, but I’ve been to the local multiplex a few times and have been pounding through my Netflix queue like Precious and a box of double stuffs. Let’s talk box office, let’s talk trailers, let’s talk DVDs, let’s talk Russell Brand, Russell Crowe, but most importantly let’s talk about Takers, which might be the most important movie to come out in 50 years. In fact let’s go right there:

The Movie That Will Change Everything: Takers
The ceiling for bad acting has officially been raised. Please watch this trailer. Walker. Christiansen. Tip “TI” Harris. Chris Brown. Jay Hernandez. The immortal Matt Dillon. If they can somehow squeeze in a cameo from Ryan Philippe then Hollywood might have to just pack it up and head home. I want to see this movie so bad I’m literally shaking in my seat.

(Quick tangent: I think it's important to understand the distinction between "enjoyably bad" and "anal rape bad." For example, any movie with Keanu (Point Break, The Devil's Advocate) is enjoyably bad. Any movie with Phillippe (Breach, Stop-Loss) is "anal rape bad." We all clear there? Takers has enjoyably bad written all over it - of course that is completely dependent on how large Dillon's role is - no one pushes more movies towards anal rape than Matt Stinkhole Dillon).

The movie that had kid-friendly anal sex with the box office: Toy Story 3
We knew it’d be a hit, we knew it’d be great, we knew it would open strong and have legs, but look at these numbers:

Opening weekend: $110m (#10 all time)
Total domestic gross: $404m (#9 all time)
Total international gross: $985m (#7 all time)

Not only is Toy Story 3 the biggest film ever for both Pixar and Disney, but it also became the 11th movie to cross the $400m mark domestically and is on the verge of being the 7th movie to cross the $1 billion mark worldwide. Holy Santa Claus shit.

The movie that just won’t go the fuck away: Avatar
“Avatar: Special Edition” is opening this Friday at 700 theaters across the country. The “Special Edition” moniker is much more catching than James Cameron’s first suggestion, “Avatar: I’m trying to buy Greenland.”

The Movie That Made Me Look Around to Make Sure I Wasn’t Getting Punk’d: The Switch
Here’s the plot in a nutshell. Aniston wants to have a baby but secretly no one likes her because she’s annoying and terrible in bed. Whoops that’s real life; let me start over. Aniston plays a successful career woman who’s too busy to think about starting a family, but her uterus is banging on the walls like an old woman trapped in an elevator and she decides to have a baby on her own via a turkey baster and a sperm bank. Her best friend, Jason Bateman, has been in love with her forever and is jealous that she’s having a baby on her own and didn’t ask him to fill the turkey baster or, at the very least, squeeze it. So one night, at her “I’m about to use the Turkey Baster” party, Bateman drunkenly wanders into her bathroom, sees the tub of sperm, which, yes, is just sitting in her bathroom. I mean, fuck. There are sluts, there are mega sluts, there are LiLos, then there are the bitches who have random tubs of sperm in their medicine cabinets. So anyway, Bateman takes the top off the tub, smells it, tastes it, sings to it a little (at least I think so, not exactly sure what is happening at the :47 mark here), but then, in his drunken stupor, spills the spunk into the toilet. What’s a guy to do? Well, he yanks his junk and then fills the tub back up with his own man chowder. Cut to five years later, Aniston is a mom, Bateman still loves her and can’t bring himself to tell her that his spooge was in the Baster, and hilarity ensues.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

The Best Comedy at the mid-way point: Get Him To The Greek

The Best Drama at the mid-way point: Inception

The September movie I’m most excited about: The Town

The October movie I’m most excited about: Stone

The November movie I’m most excited about: Due Date

The December movie I’m most excited about: True Grit
No trailer yet but it’s a new Western by the Coen Brothers starting Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Josh Brolin. While we wait for the trailer to appear, here’s the trailer for Black Swan

Best movies I’ve seen on Netflix: I loved Crazy Heart, Alice in Wonderland, Shutter Island, was shocked by how good the Green Zone was and loved and was terrified by Chloe. Recommend all five.

The terrible idea that turned into a terrible movie that was terrible at the box office: Jonah Hex.
It if looks like a turd, smells like a turd and walks like a turd, it’s probably Jonah Hex. This movie, which reportedly cost $50m to make, opened with a paltry $5 and finished with a turd-errific $10.2. Lots of movies bomb, but this one holds a special distinction, after the results of the first weekend came in, Warner Bros reacted quickly, pulling the movie from 2,475 theaters – 87% of the total. On June 18, when it opened, the movie was in 2,825 theaters. By the next weekend, it was in 350. That, my friends, is a new record in shittiness.

JR

DOs and DON'Ts of a Fantasy Draft

2010-08-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

By Magglio and Jericho

Your office manager just asked you if Tom Brady should be her first round pick. A guy on the bus talks loudly about how Desean Jackson screwed him last season. You start to twitch thinking about how much Chris Berman you’ll be force fed over the next 6 months. It can mean only one thing. Fantasy Football is back.

If you’re awesome, then you’re meeting up with the other people in your league and making a day out of your draft. In preparation for your upcoming draft, here is Apple and Moustaches DO’s and DON'Ts for a successful draft.

DON’T…ever draft anyone from your favorite team. I made this mistake last year by taking both Hasselbeck (barf) and Housh (barf and then have that barf shoved up your butt) and that made last year twice as bad. I think the key to playing fantasy and still enjoying football is to try and separate them, not entirely possible, but the bigger the divide the better. Don’t shit where you eat, or to put this in Seahawk-fan terms, when you find your wife in bed with another guy don’t start blowing him.

DO…overspend on a good bottle of booze. There’s a good chance there will be shitty beer at your draft. We all know that. But what’s important is that you bring a quality bottle of booze to the party. Bring something a tiny bit above what everyone is expecting. It will let people know you mean business. Then proceed to pass the bottle around and encourage drinking in the spirit of ‘guy time’ and ‘ridiculousness.’ You can also use the bottle to shove up anyone’s ass who is dumb enough to pick a Seahawk. FYI.

DON’T….play in a league with girls. Fantasy Football is not for girls. This is a game for dudes. If girls want to make an appearance at your draft they have 2 options 1) make and serve drinks. 2) show their tits and then make and serve drinks. Everyone knows this rule.

DO…celebrate a meaningless pick like you just won the lottery. It has to be well timed and it should hit somewhere around the mid-rounds. And as soon as the guy before you picks start cheering like you just got the pass from your wife to motorboat J-WOWW. Confidently announce your pick, close whatever materials you have in front of you loudly, toss a chair over, ruffle the hair of whomever is sitting next to you, do the Ric Flair yell and loudly announce “I can’t believe (insert name) fell to me. I’m absolutely fucking this draft in the ass!”

DO…pick one random guy in your draft and take an absolute shit on every one of his picks and encourage the rest of the dudes to do the same. Even if it’s a good pick, fuck him. Every league has that one guy that no one really likes but is somehow, inexplicably, still in the league. If you’re sitting there thinking, “my league doesn’t have one,” then it’s you, fuck ball.

DON’T…be the first one to take a kicker. In fact, don’t even take a kicker. Pick an extra WR, think about it for a week then pick up a kicker right before game time. Being the first guy to take a kicker is like being the first one to get a lap dance at a strip club, it just has a weird stigma to it. Like standing up and announcing “I’m a tremendous pussy” (kicker) or “I jerk off at work!” (stripper).

DO...target as many Jags, Chiefs, Dolphins and Pats as possible. Then go home and suck an enormous dick, pussy.

DON’T...read a word that Matthew Berry writes because if he recommends something, and you do it, and it works, then you’ll be secretly indebted to him, and he’ll know, I don’t know how he’ll know, but that creepy fuck will know, which will lead to some combination of a dick and a mouth, who’s and where, not sure, but don’t do it, just don’t do it.

DO…follow us on Twitter…..@rickreilyisgay

III

Apples and Moustaches...just cause

2010-08-17T17:22:00.001-07:00

by Magglio and Jericho

Apple
I always knew Eli Manning had periods, I just didn't know he got them on his forehead.

Moustache
Brett Favre is returning to football. This story is the equivalent of my obsession with Mad Dog 20/20 in college. Every Thursday night I’d attempt to put down 2 bottles of MD 20/20. Inevitably I couldn’t finish the 2nd bottle. We’d then go out to a bar and within an hour or so I’d be headed home to spend the rest of the night puking and making out with a fat chick. Brett Favre is the drink, the puke and that fat chick I used to take home all wrapped into one. I want nothing to do with Brett Favre ever again.

Apple
Twitter update! The funniest twats I’ve read come from Sarah Silverman. That is one funny dude. What? That’s a chick. Why does she have a moustache then? Oh and by the way, we’re on Twitter now. Find us @rickreilyisgay “ We have exactly 0 followers. Follow us. Or don't. But either way, fuck Twitter.

Moustache
A few years ago, Magglio and I decided that every time Matt Millen appears on TV, a little box should appear that says “Was GM of first team in history to go 0-16” for the entire time he’s speaking. Here’s another one I’d like to add. Every time Katy Perry is shaking her admittedly gorgeous tits around, the box should say “has most definitely had Russell Brand’s poop in her mouth.” I like Russell Brand and I like Katy Perry’s melons, which are admittedly gorgeous, but those tits have been on a wild ride and that should be noted.

Apple
I'm approaching my fantasy draft the same way I approached being with a naked girl for the first time: if something looks good I'm grabbing it.

Moustache
Remember the “help me, help you” scene in Jerry Maguire? Anyone who has ever worked at an agency (PR, ads, escorts, whatever) can attest to how accurately that scene captures the frustration that comes with trying to talk a dumb person out of doing something dumb, full while knowing they’re going to do it anyway because, after all, they’re dumb. Having clients who won’t listen is analogous to watching your dog eat a pile of shit. The worst part isn’t the shit itself; it’s the weird look the dog gives you that says “man, you’re crazy, this shit is delicious” as you’re imploring him/her to stop. That look is 50 times worse than the act itself. Replace the dog with a client, the shit with an idea they just took a dump on and the “delicious!” look with a “I’ve got it!” email and you’ve got agency life.

*

A few A&Ms

2010-08-13T15:18:00.000-07:00

Apple
I’m not a girl. I don’t have girl parts. But I do know that any time a commercial starts with ‘my doctor told me there’s no need to have my period once a month’ and ends with warnings of possible inflammation of the uterus and vaginal lacerations, then something is out of whack. I’ll take my birth control the old fashion "pull-out and aim" way thank you very much.

Moustache
Who do you take with the 7th pick in your fantasy draft? Let’s say it goes CJ, AP, Rice, MJD, Turner, and Andre Johnson…who do you take then? As much as I love the Niners I don’t want Gore. No thank you on Steven Jackson. A quarterback? Maybe. The other option is you nut up and grab one of the big name WRs not named Moss. Like Roddy White or DeSean Jackson or Miles Austin. My strategy this year is to not worry about where I’m picking but worry about just taking who I want.

Apple
Can someone please explain to me once and for all what the fuck Twitter is all about? I don’t get it. I really don’t. I have a Twitter account and yes it’s great to stay up on sports news as well as what J-WOWW’s mighty cannons are up to. But that’s about it. I’ve had precisely 9 tweets. All of them go out into the great unknown world of the interwebnet and then what? I don’t get any feedback. No former classmate who used to give handys to the entire basketball team gives it the thumbs up. So what then? Someone please explain. Preferably someone named MarinGuy.

Moustache
I’m trying to hook two people up that I know. The dude is one of my best friends on the planet who I’ve known since we were 5. The other is a chick I work with. Here’s the funny thing about hooking two people up. At first, you know everything about how things are going. You know who texted who. You know what they talked about on their dates. You know if he went under the shirt over the bra or if he went straight for the slap and a tickle. And then….BOOM. Just like that you know nothing. They all of a sudden have their own wave length, their own moments and their own inside jokes. This must be what a momma bear feels like when she lets her cub go into the wild. Fuck that was gay. Forget that last part please.

Apple
Here’s a trend I’m tired of; articles about sandwiches. Where to get the best sandwich. How to build the perfect sandwich. What your sandwich says about you. Is this really what this world has come to? We have nothing better to talk about then which mayo aioli to pair with ham and provolone? Go fuck yourself articles about sandwiches.

That is all.

Go Giants.

III

Que Bueno!

2010-08-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

I’m excited about a few things. So naturally I wanted to document my feelings. Like a tender 10-year old penning her daily crushes into a notepad and stashing it under her mattress for nobody to find. Under this scenario I would be the chick, my blog is my notebook, you are the mattress and my crushes are the following:

I’m excited about...the start of another season of Hard Knocks. Let me put it like this. If you have HBO, then I know exactly what you should be doing tonight. If you don’t have HBO, then I know the call you should be making to your local cable company tonight. This is a must. At one point we even threatened you, the reader, if you weren’t watching. We said, and I quote, “If you’re not watching Hard Knocks this season you are officially uninvited from reading this blog.” This still stands. So make it happen.

I’m excited about... the offer I just received from the SF Chronicle which will ultimately put the Sporting Green back into my hands. You see, there was a solid string of 18 years or so when I read the sports page daily. It became so much of a routine that when I got to college I would deliberately set my alarm early, waddle my hung over ass downstairs to the fraternity kitchen, confiscate the sports page, then bring it back to bed with me to ensure I could read it when I woke up. After college I did everything in my power to afford a paper subscription. But that shit is EXPENSIVE. Eventually it went away. And my life was crushed. Nothing can take the place of the sports page. Not espn.com, not sfgate.com, not the free paper they hand out on Market St. Nothing. I’ll spare you the details, but as of next week, I’m back baby. I’m back.

I’m excited about... the upcoming fantasy draft with my high school friends. 17 years and running. Un-fucking-real. Maybe this year I’ll actually win.

I’m excited about... the rainbow belt I bought. It’s like this, this shit is legit. It’s Paul Smith. And when you look at it you either get ‘dude, is that Paul Smith? Nice belt.’ Or you get ‘dude, that’s a rainbow belt, you’re fucking gay.’ It immediately tells me where somebody stands in life. And you know what? I like it like that.

I’m excited about... Buster Posey, the chick in the pic above, the half-marathon in November, peanut butter, hating LeBron, Bubba, and the fact that there will be a football game every single Sunday from now until February.

Tits dude, totally tits.

*

Wisdom, Housh-Style

2010-06-03T08:24:00.000-07:00

Our favorite fuckhole was interviewed on Sirius yesterday, here are a few highlights:

On his role in the offense last year:
"I don’t feel like last year, I wasn’t a priority in the game plan and I was almost so much told that last year. That’s just not how it’s gonna be."

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but is that the world's first quadruple negative? Wow, so if you're ranking Housh's skills in reverse order, they'd look like this:

1. Speed / separation
2. Leadership
3. Grammar
4. Hands
5. Speaking / thinking

On what Pete Carroll brings:
"Our practices are different. They’re a lot more competitive. And coach Carroll, he stresses that, the competitiveness, the competitiveness. But I think they’re just a lot more competitive than they were last year."

So, if you're scoring at home. Pete Carroll preaches competitiveness, he wants the practices to be more competitive which has resulted in the practices being more competitive.

By the way, when you look up the word "redundant" in the dictionary the definition is: "fuck you, Housh, you pussy wipe." And yes, everything in my dictionary says that.

On how he'll avoid the same struggles he had last year:
"That’s just not how it’s gonna be. And so I believe this year it’s gonna be one of those things where, T.J., you’re gonna have to show us that you can carry the load or you’re not going to carry the load."

Jericho, you're gonna have to show your tens of readers that you can make fun of Housh this year. It's gotta be one of those things where, Jericho, you either call him a toad fuck or you don't call him a toad fuck.

JR

I've Been...

2010-05-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

What have we been doing since we posted last? Here's a quick list.

by Magglio and Jericho

*I’ve been working on my incest movie titled: In Significant Others

*I’ve been picking a name for my new indie band. I’ve got it down to two: Just Another Orifice and The Fat Ninjas.

*I’ve been watching Lost, loving Lost and hating Lost. It’s a great show, totally entertaining and I’m so fucking happy it’s over.

*I've been watching Crazy Heart and think it's the best movie I’ve seen in a long, long time.

*I've been slowly turning on Steve Nash. Not really sure why or how, but I love rooting against him all of the sudden. Fuck Nash.

*I’ve been listening to The National’s High Violet so many times I thought my iPod was going to explode.

*I've been playing the game 'can I make it 10 minutes more before I have to pee or should I just go pee now'

*I’ve been using the term “useful” whenever I see a girl with a good but not great ass. You know how the Scottish dude on CBS’ golf coverage will say “Useful. That’s a useful shot.” Same with an ass like that. It’s not epic, but it’s useful.

*I’ve been eating hardboiled egg whites and hiding the stinky yellow part in a co-workers office when she steps out for a few minutes.

*I’ve been watching a lot of late-80s porn. A lot to like about the output (or is it input) of this era; big natural boobs, huge hair, weird music, enormous bushes, developed storylines, once you get past the moustaches it’s a really enjoyable seven or eight minutes. Christy Canyon, I salute you.

*I’ve been locked up in a lesbian prison, dancing in my cell and waiting for Beyonce to bust me out. Oh wait, that’s Lady Gaga.

*I’ve been getting semis riding the train to work this morning. I call that 'bumpy morning train ride semi.’

*I’ve been trying to come up with a real-word analogy for this situation: I write a really good piece of content. My client decides to go in a different direction, rewrites the entire thing and fucks it up beyond recognition. It’s absolute whale shit. Is there an analogy for this? No. But this comes the closest. I go to a nice restaurant and order something I’ve never heard of because I want to try something new. Let’s say I order whale cock. So my whale cock comes (ahem), I take a bite and decide I like it but I want something else. So, rather than order something new, I walk into the kitchen unannounced and buttrape the chef. Not like a fun, “we’re pirates!” buttrape, but a full on, medieval colonoscopy. Once I’m done, I grab a piece of chicken, take a bite and say “that’s what whale cock is supposed to taste like!”

JR

Easy Money

2010-05-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

(Whenever I haven’t posted in a while I always start by hurling insults at anyone questioning my integrity and/or commitment to Apples and Moustaches. This time is no different.)

Fuck you. I can’t post at work anymore.

Not like it was a personal decision..."Oh, I need to just concentrate on work instead of being awesome on my blog." No. I’m not a loser. My company has just decided to block Blogger, posting comments on Blogger, posting posts on Blogger, and so on and so forth. Whatever. It doesn’t mean I can’t write a post and make Jericho (who wants you to know that Magglio is an enormous pussy, by the way) post it for me. I wonder what picture he chose for this one. Hmm...

I’m here to talk Giants Baseball. What you thought I wanted to talk about Heidi Montag and Audrina Patridge’s tits battling on the latest cover of US Weekly? Or the fact that this is hands down, without question the single greatest season of Real World/Road Rules ever…and Evan isn’t even on the show?! No. Those are other posts for other times.

This post is about Giants baseball. Notably, the Giants pitching staff which is without question the greatest staff in the entire majors right now. You think I’m wrong? Keep reading.

Barry Zito is 5-0.

In the past 12 hours I’ve said, typed, texted or thought ‘Zito is 5-0’ roughly 18,000 times. Amazing. Also, my brother (who can compete with us for biggest Giants fan on the planet) just sent me this:

The buzz around the Giants for a couple years has been that pitchers Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain are incomparable. But all of a sudden, there's another starting duo putting up numbers that challenge them, and the bonus for the Giants is that these other two starters are fellow Giants. While Lincecum and Cain are a combined 5-1 with a 2.19 ERA and 0.91 WHIP, Barry Zito and Jonathan Sanchez are comparable at 7-2 with a 1.89 ERA and 1.04 WHIP.

My delusional office mate Judy then sent me this tidbit:
Opponents are batting .160 against Zito this season. That ranked as the best mark in the National League, and the leaderboard is stuffed with Giants. Jonathan Sanchez (.170) was second and the Cardinals’ Jaime Garcia (.176) was next, followed by Tim Lincecum (.178). That Ubaldo Jimenez guy was at .182.

Vegas has it at 15-1 Giants win the World Series.

Easy money.

A Few NFL Thoughts

2010-04-22T14:15:00.001-07:00

So, if you’re scoring at home, the #37 pick in the draft will get you McNabb (5 NFC conference games, borderline HOFer); the #43 pick will get you Brandon Marshall (better numbers through first four years than Rice; not comparing, just saying); and the #40 pick will get you Charlie Whitehurst (Stats through four years: 0, 0, 0.0, 0, 0.0 0, 0, 0, 0.0, 1). By the way, the one in Chuck’s stat column is for one douche bag fucking face. We’re not sure if he has arms or legs, but we know he has that.

Speaking of trading quarterbacks, here’s a guy I’m surprised no one has made a move for: Troy Smith. Heisman winner, only 25, played pretty well in the preseason and in mop up duty (in 14 games: 48/89 for 558yd, 3td and 1 pick), showered near Ray Lewis his whole career, knows how to win, and the Ravens only tendered him at the 5th rd level. Troy Smith isn’t worth a 5th rd pick?

Here’s another swap that makes sense: Skins send Jason Campbell to the Bills for Marshawn Lynch. Both former first rounders, both fill an area of need for the other team, both would come fairly cheaply because their teams are dying to get rid of them. I know you’re looking at that and saying that Campbell sucks and the Bills are getting robbed exchanging a 23yr old with two 1,000-yard seasons under his belt for a QB with a Buffalo-sized vagina. Here’s a secret: it’s not Buffalo-sized, it’s actually more like a Japanese Apple pear. In other words, Campbell is a vagina but he’s not nearly as big of a vagina as everyone thinks he is. He threw for 3,600 with 20 and 15 last year. You’re telling me Buffalo has a QB on their roster that can match that next year?

Magglio will kill me for this, I mentioned something similar at a bar six months ago and he’s never let me forget it: out of all the QBs in the draft, Colt McCoy will have the best career. He’s a winner, accurate with the ball, a leader from the minute he stepped on campus, competitive, driven, doesn’t make stupid mistakes, if he ends up in the right system (which should be added to the evaluation of every QB) he could have a Brees-like career. Yes, he’s got a dumb face and yes he’s got a dumb little drawl, but if I’m the Rams, I take one of the big DLs #1, then trade back up into the bottom of rd 1 for Colt.

I have no idea what to make of the Big Ben suspension. On one hand, it’s crazy that he was not convicted or even charged with a crime, yet is being punished by his employer as if he was. Something about that just doesn’t sit right, the idea that your company can have its own set of laws that supersede the government’s. On the other, he definitely raped her, no fucking doubt about it, and he should be punished in some way or another. Six games, about $3 million in salary and the respect of a city that revered him as little as 15 months ago, whether or not you think that's a fitting punishment, is it up to the NFL to dole it out? I really have no idea what to think.

I imagine most of you agree so let me state the obvious: with all due respect to 30 for 30, PTI and Erin Andrews' career, the Gruden QB Camp is the best thing ESPN has done in a long, long time. What a fucking epic hour of TV. I’ve watched it three times and it gets better every time. Magglio and I had a running joke last year that during the third quarter of every MNF game, Gruden would start openly auditioning for the losing team’s coaching job. “If you’re the Cowboys, you have to start thinking about getting Romo a teacher, someone who understands the challenges of the quarterback position.” However, after watching the QB Camp, I realized he’s not auditioning at all, that’s just the way he talks. He doesn’t ask a question to hear the answer, he asks a question to set up his next point. Anyone who ever played football can relate to this on some level. Football coaches just have their own way of talking, their own inflection. Like they’re an annoyed stepfather and we’re their idiot stepchildren. I think we need to go further with Gruden, fuck giving him his own show, give him his own network. We need a Truman Show-like around the clock look at this life.

Gruden: How’s the seafood? It pretty good?
Waiter: Yes, sir. We’re known for it.
Gruden: I don’t want good, you understand me? I want great.
Waiter: Yes sir, it’s great.
Gruden: I have very high expectations. Do you have high expectations?
Waiter: About your order?
Gruden: (pointing at menu) What does this say?
Waiter: Grilled salmon?
Gruden: Do you know what that means?
Waiter: Um…that the salmon is…grilled.
Gruden: People see that on a menu and they think different things. They expect different things, do you understand me?
Waiter: I don’t really know…
Gruden: It better be good, man. Because I’ll find you. You understand? You think I’m riding you, but I see it in your eyes, waiter, I think you can bring me great food. Not good, great. You understand?
Waiter: Wait, are you ordering the salmon?
Gruden: No. I don’t eat food. I photosynthesize like plants.

What do I want the Hawks to do tonight? More than anything, I just hope they don’t get cute. Draft for need, don’t take someone because you can’t believe he’s still there – take the best OT at #6. Take the best DE or S at #14. Don’t trade away the #40 pick in a loaded draft for a QB that hasn’t thrown a professional pass and looks like Duece Bigalow’s gay older brother.

And finally, as the draft enters a new era with this Thursday, Friday, Saturday goat fuck of a schedule, I’d like to thank Roger Goodell one last time for taking a gigantic dump on the West Coast. Thanks, Rog, you fucked up a national holiday. I’m totally raping you in my head right now, how many games do I get for that?

The True Price of Beauty

2010-03-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure how to set this up or how to begin, so let’s just come out with it: I love Jessica Simpson’s new show. It’s insightful, meaningful, thought provoking; every time I watch it I feel like I’ve learned something, but even better, like I felt something. Yes, I have my doubts about Jessica Simpson as anything other than “blond with outrageously big boobs” – but she’s found the right forum for herself with this show, she doesn’t have to carry it, she just has to exist with it, if that makes sense.

Women face a daily challenge that men just can’t, nor will ever, understand. Forget self or societal-imposed pressure, the level of daily competition between women is absolutely staggering. That’s not necessarily groundbreaking of course, we’ve had enough Sex and The City episodes and Gwen Stefani songs to tell us this, but it’s certainly eye opening to see how these types of pressures extend across borders and cultures. As Ken Paves said in the closing of episode three: “when can a woman feel free to ever just be a woman?” A few years ago, actually a few days ago, I would’ve laughed at the statement and made a joke about Ken’s butthole and its diet, but I feel different now. I feel changed.

The show is worth watching for so many reasons. Some of the supporters are championing Jess as a new breed of feminist, I think we have to go further than that: Jessica Simpson is a humanist. This show doesn’t merely show the plight of the female in the harsh light of multi-faceted competition, the show demonstrates how the struggle of the modern woman affects us all. That is something worth cheering. I hope you’ll join me.

(*Note: not a word of this is true. Fuck Jessica Simpson and her dumb fucking show. However, claiming that I love it is decidedly less embarrassing than admitting that I love this Duke team and am pulling for them to win the championship. So there you go.)

JR

Thanks for the idea asshole

2010-03-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make.

I gave up drinking for the month of March. No, I’m serious. I’m not Catholic, this isn’t for health reasons and this isn’t for some documentary on torture. I did this because I wanted to see if this is something I could actually do. That’s all. Let’s call it testing my ‘will power.’ Or ‘a really boring idea’, either will work just fine. (I actually gave up eating sugar too but that’s easier than making fun of George Clooney’s hair at the Oscars.) Giving up drinking for a month is, and will be, really fucking difficult. Let me give you a quick glimpse into this past weekend. A sober weekend if ever there was one.

Friday night our office left at 4pm for drinks around the corner from where we work. I ordered a club soda. Everyone snickered. But let me say something. I’m a grown ass man. I don’t give a fuck if the waiter or my co-workers make fun of me for ordering a soda at a bar. I do however give a fuck when the waiter brings my drink in a tall, curvy, “made for a pina colada with tiny umbrellas” glass. Why can’t I have a tumbler with a few cubes of ice like everyone else? It’s like the waiter wanted to celebrate my personal struggle outwardly. Dick. He’s lucky I was surrounded by work people. (I’m not sure what that means. It’s not like I would’ve done anything if I wasn’t. Maybe a headlock and a noogie, but nothing more than that.)

And honestly, though it was the end of the work week and a drink sounded nice, I didn’t need one. The sun was still out and though I could feel the momentum of the weekend building, I was ok with my water. I’m an athlete, remember? Hydration is key.

The walk home was actually one of the most noticeable differences on this particular Friday night. I don’t always go out for drinks on a Friday night, but when I do, I feel like the best part is the walk home. Give me my iPod and a light buzz and my walk home suddenly turns into my own personal music video. “Last name Ever. First name Greatest” takes on a whole new meaning when you’re walking with your swerve on. This time? I put on some Yeasayer and dodged tiny Asians with pink bags, chicks from the Financial district in knee highs and skirts, and trade show attendees with gigantic name tags around their necks. It was far less cool.

Friday night was the worst. Seriously. My wife and I couldn’t figure out what to do. Should we watch a movie? No. Should we walk to our favorite local bar and just have a soda? Awkward. Should we go get a coffee or a tea or something? Lame. I decided to text my friend Morgan. He was the one who gave us the idea to give up drinking. Him and his wife gave up sugar and alcohol for a month and raved about how great they felt. This was his stupid idea anyways.

Me: Dude. What the fuck are we supposed to tonight?

Morgan: Go see a movie.

Me: Sweet. Thanks for the idea asshole.

Morgan: Too bad you don’t have kids.

This was his response? Too bad I don’t have kids? Don’t you think that’s something you might want to point out BEFORE you suggest a good buddy goes sober for a month?

We wound up watching a movie. I think we saw The Informant with Matt Damon. No, that was the next night. We watched Wall Street from the 80s with Michael Douglas and Charlie Sheen. Then we had really great sex and went to bed. Oversharing? I don’t care. I’m sober now. I gotta take risks somehow.

The rest of the weekend went a bit smoother. I got up at 8am and went for a run. I felt like Icee, the most sober and most athletic guy I know. Saturday night we basically repeated the activities from the night before. That bottle of Jameson was staring me down all night. I kept calculating in my head how many steps it would take me to grab a glass, grab some ice, and crack that bottle. With some creative maneuvering I figured around 14-15 steps. My mouth is salivating as I type this post. I am not joking.

Do I feel better today? A little. Were my workouts a bit easier? Sure, but who cares. As one co-worker said to me Friday night, “I admire what you’re doing, but I’d never do it.” Sweet.

Only 23 days to go.

Anyone wanna catch a movie?

III

I want some of your brown sugar...

2010-03-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

By Magglio and Jericho -

Apple
Is it just me, or does Big Ben just keep getting cooler and cooler?

Moustache
We have an enormous black lady that waters the plants in our office. why do we pay enormous black lady to water our plans when all we have is one little tree and a few ferns? I have no fucking clue. The better question: am i allowed to say "what up, Precious?"

Apple
Say what you will about Lady Gaga…her music is overplayed, she wears toilet paper on her face and she makes up words in her songs. But I’ll tell you something. In the ‘Bad Romance’ video when they show her standing there in that white thong…curtains. That bitch can keep doing whatever she wants as long as we get more shots of that candy ass. And if you’ve seen the video then you’re definitely nodding your head right now.

Moustache
At the oscars last night we got introduced to a new kind of fat: Precious fat. This is when someone is so fat they can't even open their eyes. It also helps if your cheeks are so big they look like Julius Peppers' knees. The Precious Fat era is off to a great start.

Apple
David Carr and Alex Smith together again. Like when Paris and Nicole had a reality show where they milked cows.

Moustache
Let me put it this way, when a woman has never won best director before and they announce that the award will be presented by Barbara Streisand, that's analogous to wondering if your kid might be gay and then having Elton John pick him up for a date. Barbara Streisand! Why not just cut the chase and have an enormous vagina present the award.

Apple
One of the most underrated aspects of the Oscars: the stereotype shot. When someone makes a joke and they immediately cut to someone in the crowd that fits / represents the punchline. Make a womanizer joke: cut to Clooney. Make a Jewish joke: cut to one of the Coen brothers. Make a botox joke: wide shot of audience. Make a black joke: cut to either Denzel, Sam Jackson, Don Cheadle or Da Queen in that order of preference. Make a hot old lady joke: cut to Helen Mirren. Make a "hide your children joke, she's got that hungry look on her face even though we can't really see her eyes: cut to Precious and her buttcheek-cheeks.

Moustache
There are two kinds of people at the cream and sugar bar of a coffee shop. Those that box out to establish their position and then proceed to touch every stirrer, creamer, sugar, and cup holder possible while babying their drink like it’s as precious as Angelina Jolie’s vagina. The other does the dip and dive. Where you’re constantly dodging and ducking other people to just get a dash of this or a shake of that. I’m more of a dip and diver. My vagina knows its place in this world.

*

Back Into The Pool...

2010-03-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

What a terrible year for film. If that sentiment sounds familiar, it should, it’s the exact same thing I said at the start of my Oscar post last year. 2008 was a down year overall but still had some major bright spots (Dark Knight, Wall-E, Milk, Rachel Getting Married) and a few noteworthy if not ultimately memorable movies (Gran Torino, The Wrestler, Vicky Christina). What does 2009 have? Avatar has had carnal relations with the box office, but are we going to be talking about it in 5 years? The Hurt Locker was the exception to the “Hollywood simply can’t make a good movie about Iraq” rule, had some incredible moments, but the parts were much better than the whole. District 9 was completely original, the most creative movie of the year, but it really fits the definition of “it’s a thrill just to be nominated.” Inglorious Basterds was brilliant, daring, exciting, everything you want from a suspense movie, it’s the best movie of the year, but is it a best picture?

Well, fuck it. Just because the films were underwhelming doesn’t mean we can’t still fleece our friends for cash at the Oscar party (yes, that's a double negative, but so was 2009). Good luck, hopefully we’ll have a lot more to talk about this time next year.

Best Picture
Will Win: The Hurt Locker
Should Win: Inglorious Basterds

Best Director
Will Win: James Cameron
Should Win: Quentin Tarantino

I can easily see this flipping by the way, with Avatar winning best pic and Kathryn Bigelow taking director. Regardless of how it ends up, I definitely think that the two movies will spilt these; one film won’t win both. The big question: does the Academy want Avatar to win best picture? This isn’t Titanic mind you, which was a very Oscar-friendly theme, this is a movie about nine-feet tall reptilian Smurfs with a language that sounds like Ewoks fucking. It’s Iraq v. Pandora, and I think Iraq wins. Cameron will take director as his consolation prize.

Best Actor
Will Win: Bridges
Should Win: Bridges

Best Actress
Will Win: Streep
Should Win: Streep

Sandra Bullock has been gaining some momentum lately, but I still think Streep takes this home.

Best Supporting Actor
Will Win: Waltz
Should Win: Waltz

Waltz winning this category is a lock. Also a lock: the longest, strangest acceptance speech in Oscar history (which is saying something). During his speech at the Globes, he referred to himself as a planet and Tarantino as the golden sun, and talked about how he’d been orbiting that sun for his whole life but hadn’t dared get close enough until now. What’s possible at the Oscars? I’m thinking something like this:

“52 years ago I was in my mother’s womb. Growing. Bursting with life. Taking nutrients from her fluids. But then a man appeared, a man who had the wisdom of many centuries. He mounted my mother and made love to her. Generous love. Impactful love. He entered her, navigated beyond her many tubes and channels and found me, young, vulnerable, wanting to learn but not yet knowing how. He imparted his knowledge, his passion directly into my placenta. It was this transfer, this sharing of love and creativity that brought me here. Thank you to the Academy. And to Quentin, thanks for traveling back in time and fucking my baby face.”

Best Supporting Actress
Will Win: Mo'Nique
Should Win: Who'Cares?

Best Original Screenplay
Will Win: The Hurt Locker
Should Win: Inglorious Basterds

Best Adapted Screenplay
Will Win: Up In The Air
Should Win: Up In The Air

My heart pulls for District 9 here, but Up In The Air is really an enormous achievement from a writing perspective. Three completely identifiable, three-dimensional characters, don’t underestimate how difficult that is. District 9 is the most creative, but from a pure skill standpoint Up In The Air deserves this trophy.

Good luck in your pools.

JR

And life is good again….

2010-03-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

Apple:
I don’t have to travel this week. That makes me, my johnson, my waistline, my dog, my bowels, my hetero life mate Jericho, my bus driver* and my doorman very happy.

*Trick. I don’t do public transportation.

Moustache:
I ran into my ex-girlfriend from High School not too long ago. We exchanged pleasantries. My first thought was ‘damn I’m having a great hair day today.’ Yes. That was my first thought.

Apple:
I caught a total of 11 minutes from this season’s Bachelor. What a stupid fucking show. The way I saw it the dude had 2 pretty mediocre choices. Go with the skinny bitch that looked like she was 14. Or go with the other skinny bitch that has had so much plastic surgery done she looked like a robot. I think if it ever comes down to this in the end the Bachelor should have the option of hitting a ‘do over’ button and then Lady GaGa drops from the sky and does a dance where she dick whips the host Chris in face. I think it’s called Frapping. Then a whole new set of chicks walks in and we start over. Done and done.

Moustache:
I’ve watched the NFL Scouting Combine every night for the past 4 nights. I love it. I can’t get enough of it. My only complaint; why don’t they show the bench press? They would show 30 second clips but why not focus on the whole competition instead of the 3 cone drill or even the vertical jump? I’d love to watch some overgrown dudes get all fired up and bang out 22 reps at 225 a piece. Hey Trindon Holliday…10 reps? 10 lousy reps? Shit. I call that a Tuesday.

Apple:
Best idea I’ve heard this week: They should allow the Jersey Shore kids to compete on next season’s RR/RW Challenge. Are you fucking kidding me? Could you imagine watching Ronnie go up against Wes in a homoerotic game of let’s tackle each other and flail all about? I think they should do a Jersey Shore vs. everyone else competition. You’re telling me this wouldn’t be the highest rated show ever?

Moustache:
First day of Giants baseball officially kicks off today. Timmy’s pitching. Nuff said.

III

Take A Look At This Fucking Shit (But Not For Too Long)

2010-02-25T14:44:00.000-08:00

I hate to do this to you. I really do.

But if having a blog has taught me one thing it’s this: never suffer in silence. When something so atrocious happens, something that could literally end the world, it’s my duty to share my explicative-filled rant with the tens of you.

Are you ready? Are you sitting down? They’re remaking Karate Kid.

(Letting you take this in)

OK, that’s actually not the worst news. Jackie Chan is playing the Miyagi part.

It gets worse. They’re remaking it as a kid’s movie, making Daniel-san 11 years old.

It gets worse. Jaden Smith, Will Smith’s son is playing the Daniel-san part.

I’m sorry, but you need to watch this. It hurts. It’s not fun. It might melt your eyeballs, but I need everyone to watch so you can share my pain and join my cause.

(Waiting)

Terrible, huh? I sat in stunned silence for about 15 minutes after the clip ended. Since there are no possible words to describe it, here are a few fun facts about the production. Odds that the following happened:

- Chances that he gets to fuck the little Asian chick at the end: 89%.

I mean, if he didn’t get to touch little tiny Asian boobies why else would Jackie be involved?

- Chances that Ralph Macchio makes a cameo at some point in the movie: 95%

I’m thinking he’s the pilot and has a really bad line of recycled dialogue like “whoa, whoa, slow down, Son. First learn to stand, then you can learn to fly.”

- Chances that the first time they filmed that scene they had to cut when Daniel-san inexplicably turned to Jaden and said, “Your Dad is paying me in cash right? My concern is, uh, and I have to check with my accountant, that this might bump me into a higher tax bracket.” 7000%.

- Odds that “take the jacket off, put the jacket on” becomes part of the daily vernacular of every 10 yr old the same way that “wax on” or “sand the floor” did twenty years ago: -43%

Take your jacket off!? This guy’s not a sensei, he’s a fucking maître d'!!!

- Odds that this movie will kill anyone who watches it in full: 0. Yes, zero, Vegas wouldn't let us bet on this one. It's like taking odds that Lindsay Lohan will still be a virgin at 30.

What can we do about this? Should we get an online petition going or something? Thoughts?

JR

Tell me anything you want...any old lie will do...

2010-02-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

Today I traveled from San Francisco to Greensboro, North Carolina. I decided to keep a running diary of the day. All times listed are whatever the local time was when I made the note.

8:20am
My bag is packed and I lean down to give Patch a kiss on his head. He seems disgruntled that he’s being disturbed at such an ungodly hour. I do some quick math and figure I’m about 12 hours away from being in my hotel room in Greensboro, NC. Which is when I’ll publish this post. It's gonna be a long day.

8:30am
Cab shows up. His name is Mahmood. I know this because it says so on the dashboard. He comments on the sunshine. I ask how his day’s going. He says fine. The conversation ends there.

8:55am
I’m getting better at business travel in the sense that I know how to pack. I’m strictly carry-on these days which is a huge feat for me. I like to have outfit options, which makes carry-on difficult, but this being a 48-hour trip it’s completely possible.

9:05am
Security is standard. It takes 4 buckets to get my stuff through. I’m quickly thinking this post might be the most boring ever. No seriously, ever.

9:25am
I call my mother. I call my mother every time I fly. She’s already got the flight tracker up on her monitor at work waiting for takeoff. She’s a Jewish mother, what are you going to do?

9:48am
I stop by the newsstand to stock up on magazines. Luckily, all the new monthlies are in so I have a slew of stuff to read. I grab the latest GQ, Esquire, Details and Rolling Stone. I’ll read the GQ first. It’s far and away the best magazine out there.

10:36am
Flight is airborne. They have wireless on the flight. I quickly sign on to IM so I can talk to Jericho. He asks how my weekend was. I say fine. The conversation ends there.

10:44am
I’d love to describe the other two people sitting in my row with me but they’re being nosy and computer screens are hard to hide when sitting side by side. I describe this situation to Jericho. He says, and I quote, “fuck em.”

10:55am
The captain comes on to explain “we’ve reached our cruising altitude of 36,000 feet.” He then goes on to describe a few of the natural wonders we can see from the plane, our flight route and the temperature in Dallas/Ft. Worth. I love this. I stop my iPod to listen. I wish the captain would talk throughout the entire flight. I’m completely serious. I want him to explain every single bump we encounter. I want him to do a complete dissertation of turbulence. I want to know if he packed a lunch or opted for the $10 Boston Market Chicken Carver Sandwich. He concludes his announcement with “we’ll check back in with you in a bit” and I am literally counting down the moments until this happens.

10:58am
It should be worth mentioning I have a routine down when it comes to music on flights. It started a couple months back when I flew SF to LA. That flight is insanely short. Actual time in the air is about 55 minutes. So I’d put on Bright Eyes ‘I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning.” And I knew around song 8 they’d tell us it was time to shut down personal electronics. (please note, when flying, I fast forward the first 1 minute and 23 seconds of the first song on this album. Check it out and you’ll know why.) So I continue this approach whenever I fly. Regardless of the flight length I always start with this album.

11:16am
We’ve reached song 8, “Land Locked Blues”. Fuck. This would be a lot cooler if we were landing in LA.

11:22am
Having wi-fi on board, I send my mom an email from the air. She thinks this is the coolest thing ever. She writes back about 5 emails in the span of 45 seconds. Half of them center around the other ladies in the office amazed at technology these days. Within 90 seconds I get an email from my dad asking how the flights going. I half expect them both to show up out my window in a 2-seater so they can accompany me the rest of the way.

11:29am
The fasten seat belt sign has been turned on. The bumps are getting worse. I can’t help but think this is it for me. I’ll have to stop typing for now. And reflect on my life.

11:36am
Seat belt sign is off. I take my first breath in 7 minutes.

11:39am
Seat belt sign is back on. I'm convinced my world is about to end. (I do appreciate a pilot who is accurate in his communication though)

11:46am
Seat belt sign is back off. I’ve put Fleet Foxes on my iPod. I update my Facebook status with a line from one of their songs. The line I post is “Tell me anything you want. Any old lie will do.” I’m anticipating 1 fan of Fleet Foxes will give it the thumbs up. One fan will actually mention Fleet Foxes in the comments. One chick who ‘likes’ any status update I do will also ‘like’ this one. And my friend Drew will tell me an actual lie that equates to how miserable his life is. He has never heard of Fleet Foxes. I'm feeling good about this prediction.

11:51pm
The pilot makes a quick announcement to tell us something about somewhere in Arizona which we’re currently flying over. I don’t hear a word he says. Instead I focus intently on his voice. Is it calm? Is he hiding something? Does he think we’re about to go down but is tricking us? He sure sounds confident.

11:54pm
The chick next to me gets up to pee. I too get up to pee. Let me tell you something about me on a flight. I will get up at any opportunity. I prefer the window, so I can stare outside, but do better with an aisle seat since I like to get up so often. Even if I don’t have to pee, I’ll squeeze out a few drops. Whenever I look in the mirror I immediately think of that one scene in Cast Away…a scene which I’ve never actually seen only heard while my eyes were closed tightly in the theater. Neurotic? Paranoid?Um, yes.

12:10pm
Jericho informs me that he’s going to a meeting and is signing off for the day. Just like that. Can you believe him? What a dick.

12:57pm
Hunger sets in. I’m determined to not buy anything on this flight. Over salted processed turkey slices wedged between two thick soggy pieces of white bread and plastic lettuce sounds awful. Looking forward to seeing what the Dallas/Ft Worth airport has to offer. Hell, I have an hour or so to kill when I’m there.

12:58pm
Powered threw Bright Eyes, Fleet Foxes, Yeasayer, Them Crooked Vultures and now onto Hot Chip. I listen to albums start to finish. Except for that one song on Hot Chip. It’s super gay.

1:20pm
On our decent into Dallas I stare intently out the window. I’m always fine on the decent. As soon as we get low enough to actually see the cars, I’m confident if necessary, I could tuck and roll and land safely. Only if necessary.

3:55pm
There’s basically 2 types of people in the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport today. First, native Texans. Big. Lots of facial hair. Lots of mid section. Lots of big logos in various places including their mid section. The second is the business traveler. Loafers, sport coat, lots of blackberry checking and sighing. Lots of Bluetooth talking and selling. I am not this guy. I fear if I continue to travel like this I will turn into this guy. I will never be this guy.

4:01pm
I check the results of my Facebook posting. So far only 1 comment. It’s from a chick I used to go to High School with. She responded with ‘One time at band camp…’ Not sure how to take that one. She obviously isn’t a Fleet Foxes fan. Maybe she’s trying to tell me she likes putting foreign objects in her cha-cha. Interesting.

4:40pm
Explain something to me. How can Dallas be so awful at Mexican food? Aren’t they 10 feet from Mexico? Fuck I just had the worst Chicken Quesadilla in my life. Ez cheese, microwaved chicken bits, generic salsa that tasted like a crayon. I did however tip the waitress 5 bucks on my 14 dollar order. I felt bad for her. She was a lady boy, half-Asian, wannabe hipster working at the Tequillaria in the airport. Nowhere to go but up.

5:20pm
About to board. Two hours and twenty minutes until we land in Charlotte. Wish me luck. (Fuck that was gay. Stop being so gay Magglio. I’m going to get a coffee.)

5:22pm
Just before take off I check my Facebook status again. Lo and behold, my friend Drew responded. I’m literally panting with excitement to see what he’s said. “I have a full head of hair” it reads. Fuck I totally called that one. Sadly this makes my day.

8:07pm
We’re about 45 minutes into the flight. The wi-fi isn’t working. I’ve sorta peed twice. The stewardess reeks of self tanner. The dude next to me is reading a book called ‘Helping you understand your emotional abuse.’ I’m exhausted. Did I mention I got in to SF last night from Boise at 9pm. What the fuck am I doing to myself? I decide I’m going to buy a pack of cigarettes when I get to Charlotte for the long drive ahead. I don’t even smoke anymore. But fuck it, I do tonight.

8:10pm
I’m secretly excited for the 2 hour drive from Charlotte to Greensboro. Yes, 2 hours. I’m excited because I’m banking on my rental car having satellite radio which I never get to listen to. I’m going straight to Shade 45 and whatever the other Hip Hop Nation station is. This truly will be the highlight of my day. You want to hear good rap music? Put on satellite radio.

9:05pm
Unfortunately this marathon day will not end. The asshat at the Avis car rental place must get paid hourly. There are 8 people in line and he’s taking his sweet fucking time. Fuck my car had better have satellite radio.

9:40pm
Ball sack! We all saw this one coming. No satellite radio. But I did grab some smokes. Fuck North Carolina.

10:05pm
Four other people responded to my Facebook status. Nobody caught the Fleet Foxes reference. Who cares? Facebook is stupid. Can you tell this day (and this post) has gone on a bit too long?

11:58pm
I finally pull into my hotel. Here’s the final stats for the day:

Total travel time: 12 hours and 28 minutes.
Number of flights: 2
Number of miles traveled: 2,717
Number of cigarettes smoked: 3
Number of times Lady GaGa played on the radio: 14
Number of times I want to do this trip again: 0
Number of days until I do this exact trip again except in reverse order: 2

III

And Then There Were Ten...

2010-02-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

As I’m sure you can tell by now, Magglio and I have a much different approach to this blog. I like to research a topic, think about it all from all angles, write slowly and edit carefully. Magglio likes to just post, post, post, keep our traffic numbers up and get more and more people reading the blog so everyone will rub his ass and tell him it’s special. What does this have to do with anything? Actually nothing, but he can be a little bitch, huh?

Anyway, one of the predominant questions I’ve been getting over email and in the comments is: “hey, Jericho, why haven’t you reacted to the Oscar nominations yet?” So I’m going to do that today. Why? So you’ll rub my ass and tell me it’s special. I mean, come on, I’m obviously a bitch too, but not like Magglio, that guy’s a fucking bitch. He’s like the Brad Pitt of bitches and I’m more like Channing Tatum. I digress.

One of the craziest things about having a blog is that sometimes I can’t remember if I posted about a certain topic or just ranted about it in private to friends. For example, I fucking hate that the Oscars expanded to 10 best picture nominees (reasons why to come in a second) and have been vehemently protesting against the move since it was announced. When I got the idea for this post, I went to A&M and searched around for the entry where I railed against the new format. To my surprise, it didn’t exist. So maybe this is the first time I’m putting these thoughts to paper, but trust me when I say that nothing is new here, the Academy shit the bed and I've been angrily sleeping in it for months.

Before we get into this, a quick preface: I realize how ridiculous this looks on paper, after all is said and done the Oscars is just a fucking TV show, but it aspires and portends to be so much more and saps like me buy in. If anything, the Oscars succeed because it manages to transcend the “it’s just an award show” mentality, we care about them; we regard Oscar winners with a sense of nobility and accomplishment; in short: the Oscars matter. When they diverge from that course and do something so obviously whore-ish, it affects the validity of the whole thing. They turn it back into a TV show. Maybe that’s at the root of my frustration; we all ignored the elephant in the room and refused to pull back the curtain to see the strings; now the Academy has done that for us. Okay, I’m down from my horse, let’s break this down, here are the 3 big reasons why I hate this decision:

1. It's All About The Benjamins
They are diluting a proven process purely to boost ratings. History has proven that the numbers of viewers increase proportionate to the popularity of that year’s films. When a lot of people see and love a movie they watch the show and pull for their favorites to win. It’s no coincidence that the highest watched telecast was in 1997 (Titanic, Good Will Hunting, As Good As It Gets, cumulative box office of nominees = $1 billion). More films means = higher cumulative box office + more starts attending show = higher ratings. It’s that simple. I don’t like it, but it’s easy to dissect their logic.

2. Yeah, But What About Those Pesky Screener Things
Expanding the number of nominees doesn’t address the fundamental problem with the nomination and voting process: there is no way to verify that every member has seen every film in question. Every year, the Academy will send 25 or so movies out to its body, they watch the films and then fill out a nomination form, the votes are tallied and the nominations announced. How do we know that each member has watched every film? I honestly don’t know how they address this but it’s a major problem and adding more films to the mix seems to make this even more complicated.

3. The Fucking Blind Side? An Education? Precious? Fuck You?
Finally, and this is the biggest problem in my opinion: what if there aren’t 10 movies worth nominating? In the irony of ironies, they are introducing the new rules this year to make amends for last year when two enormously popular and successful movies were passed over (The Dark Knight and Wall-E); except for the fact that this has been a fairly underwhelming year for movies. Look at the list:

- Avatar
- The Blind Side
- District 9
- An Education
- The Hurt Locker
- Inglourious Basterds
- Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
- A Serious Man
- Up
- Up in the Air

Other than Avatar, District 9 and Inglourious Basterds, is there anything we’ll be discussing 5 years from now? Isn’t that what a best pic is supposed to do? To illustrate this point, I did a little research and in my opinion, only 4 times in the last 20 years did we have a year good enough to validate having 10 pictures nominated.

Here they are, the films are listed in no particular order:

2005
Brokeback
Good Night and Good Luck
Capote
Munich
Walk The Line
A History of Violence
Constant Gardener
Match Point
The Squid and the Whale
The Upside of Anger

2004
Million Dollar Baby
Finding Neverland
The Aviator
Eternal Sunshine
Closer
Kinsey
The Incredibles
Before Sunset
Collateral
Man on Fire

1997
Good Will Hunting
Titanic
As Good As It Gets
LA Confidential
Boogie Nights
The Apostle
Wag The Dog
Jackie Brown
Donnie Brasco
The Game

1994
Forrest Gump
Shawshank
Pulp Fiction
Legends of the Fall
Nobody’s Fool
The Paper
The Lion King
Quiz Show
Ed Wood
Bullets Over Broadway

A few thoughts before I wind this down:
- 4 out of 20? Looking forward to batting .200 for the next few years, Academy?
- How good were 1994 and 1997? Holy shit those were good years for film.
- Yes, I don’t have the 2005 winner, Crash, on that list. That movie sucks.
- Will I watch the Oscars this year even though I just spent 1,000 words killing their new gimmick? If you don’t know answer then clearly you aren’t rubbing my ass enough. Now come on, tell me it’s special. Please.

JR

What Would John Bowker Do?

2010-02-09T17:06:00.000-08:00

Apple
Some fuck at the Air Force ripped off the White Stripe’s ‘Fell in Love With A Girl’ for their latest commercial. What is that dude thinking? I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. Jack is going to rip his dick off, make a guitar out of it, give it to Loretta Lyn as a gift and she’s going to record a song entitled ‘Jack gave me this dick guitar and I gave the world this song.’

Moustache
A few years back a bunch of dudes we went to school with came down to San Francisco for the Cal/UW football game. We all met at a bar the night before the game and for one reason or another Jericho couldn’t make it out. So, what did I do? Being the good friend I am of course I told them all that Jericho had officially come out of the closet while living in SF. And his girlfriend is cool with it they just use a strap-on now for his satisfaction. Fuck that story still makes me laugh. You realize there’s a large portion of our classmates in Seattle who heard about this and still believe Jericho is gay. That’s what friends are for.

Apple
Human sexuality is such a uniquely individual thing that it’s hard to really pinpoint the sluts from the saints at a glance. However, I feel pretty confident about the following statement: Pink has had poop in her mouth. Not sure where, why, whose or how, but if my life depended on it, I’d say there’s been some poo in there at some point.

Moustache
People’s insecurities and inflated sense of self has never been more on display. This whole thing about doppelgangers on Facebook is seriously out of control. People sure do think they’re a whole lot better looking than they really are huh? In other news, do you know that I look just like Tom Brady minus the hair, chin, face and super bowl rings? Other than that…a dead ringer.

Apple
Who would you rather have sex with? Brooklyn Decker, Abe Vigoda, Kim Kardashian or the robot who keeps spamming our site? Kinda a toss up in my book.

*

Fuck it.

2010-02-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

Fuck it. I’m 36,008 feet in the air. I’ve had a couple xanax, a sparkling water and just finished watching Michael Jackson’s This is It. The captain has turned on the fasten seat belts sign, which means any minute now, I’ll be clutching my arm rests convinced that these will be the last moments I’ll ever spend alive. Call me inspired. It’s time to write a post.

What I’ve been up to since we last spoke:

*I finished ‘Eating Animals’ by Jonathan Safran Foer and haven’t picked up another book since.

* I gained about 10 pounds.

* I shared an hour long cab ride with Rachel Hunter. The best part was when she talked so I could stare at her without it being weird.

* I traveled for business for 5 weeks straight. I swear it took 20 years off my life.

* I told Ricky Watters about the poster I had of him hanging over my bed when I was a kid that said “Running Watters.” Then we talked about Niners football.

* I had moments where I did nothing but thank God for how fortunate I am in life. These moments usually directly followed time spent with my wife.

* I misinterpreted a joke about me on a company email and replied to all after a heavy night of drinking which did nothing but further expose my greatest flaw in business. I’m too sensitive.

* I flaked on a good friend of mine for the 2nd time in a row. I still feel awful about it. The stars just didn’t align. Next time dude.

* I still haven’t seen Jericho, which is officially the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other in 7 years, or the last time we lived in separate cities. Inexcusable. On so many levels.

* I went Vegan for 4 days.

* I promised a friend I’d send him ‘The Adderall Diaries’ by Stephen Elliot. It’s been sitting on my desk for about 6 weeks now. I'll get around to that shortly.

* I listened to Bright Eyes more than any other artist on my iPod. Well, Bright Eyes, Fleet Foxes and Them Crooked Vultures, to be honest.

* I haven’t seen Avatar and probably never will.

* I had a conversation with January Jones, and then paused mid-conversation to turn to my wife and tell her, while pointing at Miss Jones, “I’m going to impregnate this woman.” Classy guy.

* My elementary school crush finally admitted that she should’ve dated me in the 6th grade. No shit Lisa.

* I got drunk and danced with my French friend Jon. A friend I hadn’t seen in about 5 years. That’s what life’s all about.

* I delivered hundreds of gently used designer suits to a charity for at-risk men trying to get back on their feet. Maybe that's what life's all about.

* I spent 45 minutes reading an US Weekly, a new personal best for me.

* I spent 4 hours at John Varvatos in New York and can now say, with confidence, I have all the clothes I need.

* I never called Brett back. I can be so selfish sometimes.

* I put an offer on a house and was outbid.

* I told Russell Brand that he was, well, Russell Brand. He said, and I quote, “Yes I am. What’s up loc?”

* I claimed that Robin Wright Penn would be nominated for Best Actress in The Private Life of Pippa Lee. I was wrong.

* I saw original Banksy street art appear overnight.

* I told a model she should try on the Gucci dress instead of the Armani one because it would probably make her legs look better. I was right.

* I bought myself a new pair of socks. Red and grey striped. Paul Smith. Gangster.

* I drank the 2nd, 3rd and 4th Bloody Mary’s of my life. Then proceeded to drink the rest of New Year’s Day away. Fuck that one was a doozy.

* I struggled when asked on more than one occasion to name my top 5 celebrity crushes. I’ve since committed myself to figuring it out so I don’t run into that situation again. Stay tuned.

* I didn’t get a single hair cut.

* I asked Chris Cooley if he’d ever read Apples & Moustaches. He hadn’t. Damn.

* I skipped most of the AFC Championship game to watch a documentary about a Danish-Korean comedy troupe sent to North Korea on a cultural exchange program with the ultimate goal of exposing the atrocities that occur in the Kim Jong-Ill regime. And I learned a little more about myself in the process. Just kidding. I wanted to see what it would feel like to be Rick Reily. It sucked.

* I went from $278.29 cents in my online gambling account to $0.29 in a matter of 2 weeks.

* I defended Snooki when someone said she shouldn’t have her own TV show. She should. End of argument.

* I heard from a lot of fucking cool people that they missed our blog these past few weeks. Which absolutely made my day every time I heard it. Fuck it. We're back. Let's keep this party going.

III

Since You've Been Gone...

2009-12-29T17:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Jericho –

I realize you’ve only been gone for about 48 hours but so many things have happened I thought I’d pen a letter. I spent the most time trying to figure out what song should be playing while you read this letter. I wanted the music to signify importance like the end of a Growing Pains episode when Mike Seaver and his trusty side kick Boner realize that even though they didn’t come in first place they learned a valuable lesson along the way. Not sure what that song should be. But you get the idea. I also know for a fact, that when you’re reading this, the edges of the screen (the audience's TV screen mind you) will be slightly cloudy like a glamor shot taken at a mid range mall portrait studio.

Here's what's been going on since you've been gone....

I watched “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee”:
Dude, this was a great movie. If Robin Wright Penn doesn’t get nominated then it proves I don’t know shit about the Oscars. And Blake Lively turns in a surprisingly good performance, not to mention there’s a great sequence where she gets spanked while dressing up in different ‘Halloween’ costumes. Totally fucking hot. While I really enjoyed the movie I have to say two things threw me off

1) Keanu Reeves. Yes. Keanu Reeves is in the movie and at one point wears a t-shirt that just says ‘What?’ on it. Almost too good to be true. But it is true. I paused the movie just to be sure. And...

2) There’s some fuzzy math going on where Blake Lively dates Alan Arkin and then they fast forward in time and Robin Wright Penn is the older version of Blake Lively now married to Alan Arkin and we’re supposed to believe it all just works. Sound confusing? It is. Enough that I again had to pause the movie and try to do some quick math about everyone’s ages before my wife finally told me to just go with it and press play. So I pressed play. But it still irks me today.

I watched "Pirate Radio":
Great movie. I can’t tell if the fact that I went 2 for 2 on good movies says more about my ability to easily be entertained or more about the quality of the 2 movies I saw. Doesn’t matter. This is Phillip Seymour Hoffman as we love and know him. Not ‘Boogie Nights’ PSH which will never again exist, but 'Almost Famous' PSH. Funny, Confident while still being aware of his girth, engaging, charming…he was perfect. You gotta see this movie. I think you’d really like it. (That goes for you too Dad. This movie is right up your ally. Great music and hot chicks. Sorry though, no nudity).

Chargers, Colts, Saints, Vikings, Update:
Let me see if I can break this down for you. The Chargers are peaking at the perfect time. The Colts benched Peyton and chose to slow their peak which practically gave Chris Berman a hemorrhoid on national TV. Saints are imploding right before our eyes and the Vikings have now realized what it means to have 46-year old Brett Favre as your quarterback this late in the season. Oh yeah, the Seahawks still fucking suck. I'm putting money down on the Packers.

Your Fantasy Championship game:
First, the bad news. You lost by about 15 points. Now the good news. You had no business making it this far anyways. We both know that. You started Devonne Bess in the championship game for fuck’s sake. Desean played like Desean and Gore did the best he could be let’s be honest, your team sucked. Congrats on 2nd place. Now we have to take a whole off-season of listening to Moody’s dumbass gloat.

JP’s Birthday next year:
We came up with a KILLER idea for Jammy Pants' birthday next year…wait for it….The Maui Invitational! Boom. They just announced that Washington will be participating next year and it’s the week of Thanksgiving which is also her birthday week. What could be better? Hawaii? Huskies? Patch in a bikini? Get ready buddy.

In Burges:
Great movie posts last week. The chatter has been fantastic. I still get people sending me emails and IM’s wanting to talk about your list. Little do they know I had nothing to do with it besides agreeing with your number 1 pick. As you know, you need to watch In Burges when you get back and let our readers know what you think. Not only did one of our readers, Bryan, deem it the best movie in the history of the uinverse but KK practically gave him a written hummer by confirming that it was a good movie. Remember how much KK loves Colin Farrell? Man KK can be such a pussy sometimes.

Caity being Caity:
Caity still hasn’t sent in her new post. I think she’s dooshing again. Or Tahoe finally figured out where Atlanta is and they’re making loud, drunken monkey love now. Gross.

I miss you fag. There, I said it.

xoxo, Magglio

III

A&M's Top 50 Movies of The Decade (part 6)

2009-12-23T16:12:00.000-08:00

Earlier today: #10-2
Yesterday: #20-11
Monday: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41

Without further ado, the best movie of the decade is:

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
As I’ve mentioned a few times during these posts, Romadramedies (romance + comedy + drama) are by far and away my favorite type of movie, and Eternal Sunshine is the best representative of the genre. Funny, achingly sad, philosophical, sweet, horrifying, the amount of emotions that this film entails, and the amount of places this screenplay takes you inside your own head are too numerous too name. Now, I fully admit that this movie is weird, maybe it tries a little too hard at times, maybe the director gets a little too clever with some of the visuals, but when you break this down and realize that everything that happens visually is a metaphor for what is happening emotionally, well, it just fucking works. Add in career-defining performances from Winslet and Carrey and no film this decade had a more complete package.

I’ve spent way too much time ruminating on and deconstructing the central metaphor in a somewhat futile attempt to figure out what each of the visual elements mean and how this ties back to the overall theme. There’s way too much going on here to go through, so let’s talk about the big, big takeaways:

1) We need our pain. I can’t remember who it was, but I once heard someone say that we “are the sum of our experiences.” This isn’t just the happy stuff either; it’s the whole package, the mundane, the embarrassing, the hurtful, the proud, the sad, the sexy, the salacious. If we take one thing off that list, we change forever.

2) By far the most painful moment of a breakup is the revelation that the other person has completely moved on even though you still hurt. The fights, the lies, the accusations, all of that fucking sucks. But it’s knowing that you still need them and they don’t need you that hurts more than anything.

3) To quote my favorite director who left his wife for one of his Asian stepchildren, “the heart wants what it wants.” Love is not only emotional and physical, it’s physiological, biological and a shit fucking ton of other words that end in ogical.

4) How we see our past changes based on our current perspective. If you’ve ever kept a journal or a diary inevitably you’ve had that moment where you’ve looked back at something you’ve written and said to yourself, “what the fuck was I thinking? Who the shit is this person?” Memories are the same way. When we look back at a certain event or time, we are doing so as the person we are now, the person we were then has grown, changed, had new experiences. After a certain amount of time passes, you can’t objectively look back at a failed relationship as a singular event frozen in time because too much has happened and the memory has evolved.

And those are just the hors d’oeuvres. There is so much more going on above and below the surface that I could spend months and another 10,000 words breaking this film down. Intelligent, interesting, perfect, every time I throw this in it feels fresh, I notice something new I hadn’t seen before, giving me something else to chew on. And that, along with a host of other reasons, is why Eternal Sunshine is A&M’s top movie of the decade.

Thanks for following along, everyone. Happy Holidays.

JR

A&M Top 50 Movies of The Decade (part 5)

2009-12-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday: #20-11
Monday: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41

10. Gladiator
I have a funny relationship with Gladiator. I really, really liked it in the theater, but didn’t love it. I got the DVD randomly for Christmas one year, watched it a few times, liked it but didn’t love it, stuck it on the shelf for a while and forgot about it. But then the imitators started coming out, big budget, super-hyped movies like Troy, Kingdom of Heaven and 300, and they all sucked big fat donkey dicks, especially Troy which was like a trip to a butt-fucking dentist. Anyway, I saw all these movies and kept saying to myself, “fuck, Gladiator was so much fucking better.” So I revisited the movie, watched it a few more times and now I can appreciate not just how good it is, but how difficult it is for a movie like that to be a great movie. The cards are stacked against it from the beginning, but Gladiator is up for the fucking challenge.

9. City of God
Anyone seen this? Probably not, huh? Okay, answer the following question: do you like Good Fellas? Ah, I figured you did. What if I told you that City of God was essentially the Brazilian version of Good Fellas? Interested now? I thought so. What’s that? You want to show your gratitude by blowing me? No, no, that’s thoughtful, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it, but honestly, just knowing that maybe I convinced a few of you twats to skip The Ugly Truth and reach for something artistic, something meaningful, oh who am I kidding, go ahead and suck it.

8. The Truman Show
I watch Jim Carrey act in this movie with my jaw on the floor; how the fuck does he do that? There is so much fucking talent in that man’s body it’s amazing that he hasn’t spontaneously combusted like the drummer in Spinal Tap. Twisted, dark, funny, endearing, honest, great acting, great direction and one of the better original screenplays of all time, The Truman show is also one of the most thought provoking concepts of all time. How crazy is it to think that when this movie came out, reality TV was just a phenomenon and not a staple of everyday life like it is now? How long until a TV station adopts a baby and puts every second of his life on TV? Ten years ago that seemed absurd, sci fi even. Now, with shows like “So You Think You Can Dance With a Monkey” and “Neighborhood Proctology” it doesn’t seem that far off, huh? Fucking crazy.

(Note* I just realized that this movie came out in 1998. God fucking damn it. Oh well. If I can write things on this blog like “John Mayer sucked my dick last night and he loved it” without any repercussions, then I can also change the release date of The Truman Show to 2001. Continue.)

7. Wall-E
Pixar has made a shit ton of great movies, in fact they’ve never made a movie that was less than a B+ (Bug’s Life) everything else is in the steady A or A- range. But for me, Wall-E is the best of the whole lot. Amazingly original, thoughtful, beautiful, with a real message about how we live and why. I’m stating the obvious here, but what Pixar does better than anyone else in history is make films that appeal to both kids and adults at the same time. Simple enough, but don’t underestimate how difficult that is. Wall-E is the best example of this, you ask someone aged 5, 15, 25, 35, and 55 what the movie was about and they’ll all give you a different answer. That’s an incredible skill.

6. Brokeback Mountain
Crash winning best picture over Brokeback has slowly evolved into the Bowie over Jordan movie debate of our time. How the fuck did that happen? Was Hollywood simply not ready to crown a gay-themed picture? How is that possible, isn’t that like a group of retards voting for Pulp Fiction over Forrest Gump in 1994? I digress, I’m amazed by how rewatchable this movie is on cable, in fact, I’d go as far to say that this movie has been improved by being on cable, mostly because we get to skip the tent part and that weird “is it gayer to watch or look away?” feeling that every straight man feels during that scene. Whoops, digressed again. Let’s talk about Heath for a second. Heath’s career-defining turn as the Joker has helped make the rest of his resume stronger and more amazing. Watching him in this movie, which we knew at the time was an incredible performance, has only gotten better with his subsequent work. What a fucking talent he was. Sigh.

(Bonus tidbit: one of my favorite all time jokes about Brokeback came from Magglio. We were talking about this movie and how uncomfortable the sex scene is for everyone in the theater and Magglio said, “yeah, it’s crushing everyone. Especially Jake Gyllenhaall.” That still kills me.)

5. The Departed
The highest ranked movie on my list to win best picture, The Departed was ranked in the top 20 on this list before I even saw it. Lurid, tight, unbelievable acting, especially DiCaprio, and a plot that is so dense that it’s still unfolding even though I’ve seen it six or seven times. Great movie. Not sure what else there is to say.

4. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon I imagine this will surprise a few people. I’ve seen a bunch of similar lists come out over the last few weeks and can’t remember seeing this movie once. I fucking LOVE this movie, amazing fight scenes, real emotion, great story line, there’s so much happening right below the surface that might get missed if you’re watching just for the action. The death scene at the end is as moving as anything I’ve ever seen. Rewatch this movie sometime; it deserves it.

3. Almost Famous
Over the last few weeks, as I started to make and remake this list, the following three movies each spent time at #1. I love Almost Famous, it’s just such a well-made movie, perfect length, perfectly paced, perfect music, perfect direction. Eminently rewatchable, fun, enjoyable, sure it’s get a little heavy-handed at times, but it’s a love letter to rock, and love letters are supposed to be heavy-handed.

2. Dark Knight
The greatest action movie of all time; the greatest comic book movie of all time; the greatest villain of all time; the most complex and interesting hero of all time. Does that about sum it up?

Coming later today: the #1 movie of the decade

JR

A&M's Top Movies of The Decade (part 4)

2009-12-22T12:24:00.000-08:00

Today: #20-11
Yesterday: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41

20. Wedding Crashers
Blowjobs and French dips aside, is there anything better than watching a great, R-rated comedy in a packed theater? Everyone’s had a few, everyone’s in a good mood, you laugh at things that you normally wouldn’t and miss parts because the collective laughter is so loud. It’s the best, and I had one of my better movie experiences seeing Wedding Crashers. On a scale of one to ten, how good is the opening montage of wedding clips? A 15? 25? Sure, the wheels fall off the last 35 minutes, but the wedding and the dinner scene are so good we forgive this movie for its digressions. Just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.

19. Cast Away
By far the hardest movie to rank, because of the B- opening, A++++ middle and H ending (yes, H); even if the ending was in the C range, this movie catapults to the top 5, maybe top 2 or 3. It’s captivating on all levels, with Tom Hanks giving one of his best performances (which is saying something). However, when making this list I really tried to rate and review movies as a whole, not being swayed by great moments, scenes or performances. So here we are, #19. Could’ve been so much better.

18. Once
I’ve expressed my love for this little movie on more than one occasion and it’s only gotten better with time. Quiet, slow, thoughtful and true, this movie is completely unassuming and unconventional, showing the characters for who and what they are. The music elevates the movie to a whole new level, providing more than the soundtrack but serving as the emotional center of the film. One of the most rewatchable movies on the list.

17. Anchorman
Are there better movies than Anchorman? Sure. Are there better comedies? Probably. Pound for pound, has there been a funnier, more quotable, more enjoyable movie this decade? Nope.

16. Mystic River
Yes, Million Dollar Baby took home the big trophy, but for my money this was Clint’s best movie this decade. Dark, layered, gritty, hypnotic; with Sean Penn reaching new levels as the guilt-stricken father. The great thing about Clint’s movies: they never try too hard; they are exactly what they are. The indie film movement has given rise to the “holy shit I’m directing!” style of filmmaking, but Clint is an old school, true-to-form storyteller. What a fucking artist. The guy directed 9 movies this decade and they’re all good. Mystic River is the best of the bunch.

15. The Royal Tenenbaums
Yes it’s a little pretentious, precocious and up-its-own-ass-ious, but fuck it’s funny. Member how Gene Hackman made this movie and then disappeared off the planet? I’m torn on Wes Anderson; sometimes it feels like he out thinks himself, as if he’s trying to make every scene original rather than true. This makes movies like The Life Aquatic seem too premeditated, as if Wes is a victim of his style rather than a master of it. With that said however, he’s firing on all cylinders here, creating just the right amount of tension and angst where every moment of pain or torment feels real, and every laugh feels genuine and cathartic.

14. Big Fish
All of the great aspects of Tim Burton’s movies collide with Big Fish. Suddenly the visuals exist for a clear purpose, advancing the story rather than merely enhancing it, if that makes sense. When I walked out of the theater, I knew I loved the movie but wasn’t sure what I was supposed to take from it, what the overall message was supposed to be (and if you can’t tell by this obsessive blog series, that drives me fucking crazy). After a few times on DVD I think I’ve got it: we need to love people on their terms, not ours. People are who they are and exist in their own version of the world, and if we want to truly understand them and love them, we have to enter that world, not force them to enter ours. Not sure if I 100% believe in that myself, but this film does with all its heart which is what makes it so fucking great.

13. There Will Be Blood
When film students dissect the films of our generation 50 years from now, the first name they’ll mention is Paul Thomas Anderson, a true cinematic genius who has done more to advance the medium than anyone else over the last 15 years. Part Scorsese, part Demme and part Tarantino; his movies are atmospheric, creating a mood that is completely specific to that film. Boogie Nights and There Will be Blood are very similar and vastly different at the same time and that’s the best compliment I can give.

12. Munich
Another movie that I didn’t love the first time I saw it, but has slowly and quietly climbed back into my head. Dark, violent and extremely depressing, Munich shows the true effect of “revenge” and how those symptoms permeate and reverberate throughout every aspect of our lives. Like most of you, I was totally thrown by the sex scene at the end, it seemed awkward and gross, but it makes complete sense now. There is no escape, even in the most private, intimate moments of our lives. I’m an unabashed Spielberg fan and with this movie and Schindler’s List (the greatest film ever made in my opinion), he has made two films that will be discussed, debated and devoured forever.

11. Before Sunset
I’m not exactly sure what genre you’d lump this movie into, but whatever that category is, it’s my favorite. Part comedy, part drama, part romance (romadramedy?), this movie asks and attempts to answer the big questions that we all face as we enter our 30s: am I ready to have kids? What is happiness? Do I really know the difference between infatuation and love? Is there a difference? Am I grown up enough to handle growing up? The characters are so well defined and so identifiable that they feel like friends, an amalgamation of everyone I know (which includes myself). Even though it’s a Romadramedy, it has as much suspense as anything else I saw this decade, my heart was beating so fast with anticipation during the “will they or won’t they?” scene at the end, that I thought it was going to leap out of my chest. I’ve seen this movie 10 times since, and that scene still gets me every time.

Coming tomorrow: The Top 10

JR

A&M's Top Movies of The Decade (part 3)

2009-12-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

Today: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41

30. Stranger Than Fiction
This movie would be higher except for two elements that severely damage its rewatchability: a) the love story is just too implausible, I understand why it’s in there, but it’s too much of a stretch and gets worse on repeat viewings; and b) The Queen. I’m a big admirer of Queen Latifah, she elicits a special breed of terror when she’s on screen, in fact, every time she appears I hear “you don’t fuck wit da Quuuuuuueeeeeeeen” in my head, which is the appropriate response but is ultimately very distasting. With that said however, this movie is so unique and the directing and acting so great and the fast forward button works so well every time the Queen comes on, that this movie belongs right here.

29. Gone Baby Gone
Most movies that rely on a big twist don’t hold up over time, but this one is so much deeper than the big reveal at the end. Great acting, great direction and one of the most haunting closing shots in memory; who knew Ben Affleck had this in him?

28. In The Bedroom
God fucking bless Tom Wilkinson. He makes bad movies watchable and good movies great. This movie is so horrifically sad that it’s hard to take down more than once, but the acting, pacing and writing keep me coming back.

27. Milk
Honestly, Sean Penn is such a moody fuck and speaks with such a clenched jaw, that seeing him kiss a man was less jarring than seeing him smile. I didn’t know he had teeth. Amazing movie. Not sure what else there is to say.

26. Rachel Getting Married Anyone see this? Watching Anne Hathaway in this movie was like watching a rookie QB have his first 300 yard, 3 TD game; you realize you’re watching someone who’s going to be famous for a long, long time. Here’s a name for you, Bill Irwin, the father in the movie, how incredible was that performance? Really excellent film making from the incomparable Jonathan Demme, his name doesn’t get tossed around with the greats but it should, check out his IMDB page sometime. It’s a fucking murderer’s row.

25. Away We Go
Entertainment Weekly’s Lisa Shwarzbaum named Away We Go the second WORST movie of 2009 with this quote, “Go away, you annoyingly smug young parents-to-be with your self-satisfied dissatisfactions and your damn quirks. Scat.” What the fuck? Has she been sucking on an exhaust pipe again? I loved every fucking second of this movie. It’s original, endearing, thoughtful; featuring two people who generally love each other and feel out of place in a world that doesn’t seem to want them in it. Haven’t we all felt that way at some point? Why do romantic comedies have to be quirky and hip to be well received? What about real people with real emotions in real situations? I could live to be 100 and never understand why this movie was swept under the rug. If you, like Lisa S, feel that this movie and the characters don’t like you, then maybe they shouldn’t.

24. Traffic
One of those movies that almost seems a bit too real. Layers upon layers upon layers, all held together by Soderbergh’s brilliant direction and unreal cinematography. I’m torn on Soderbergh, he’s part rogue, part sellout, vacillating between weird little indie experiments and overblown Hollywood movies (honestly how bad were Oceans 12 and 13?), yet doesn’t ever seem entirely comfortable being either. How will we feel about his work 25 years from now? Either way, Traffic will certainly be mentioned in that conversation, a brilliant film from start to finish.

23. No Country For Old Men
I was fucking blown away by this movie when I saw it for the first time. I named it the best movie of 2007 and was, and still am, completely floored by Tommy Lee Jones’ performance. So why isn’t this higher? The ending. Look, I get how original it is, how artistic and all that, but it’s unsatisfying, it just is and I can’t intellectualize myself out of that notion. Following a character that closely for 90 minutes only to have him disappear so ignobly feels cheap. I’m sorry, people-smarter-than-me, it just does. Give me a quick snapshot, a flashback and this movie goes in the top 10, without it, it lives here.

22. Monster’s Ball
Another fucked up movie. What’s wrong with me? Watching it now, with everything that happened to Heath and the mystery surrounding his death, is completely terrifying. Marc Forster, my favorite director right now, started his amazing run with this movie and hasn’t stopped. I mean, the guy showed Halle getting nailed from behind and he somehow made it depressing, that’s talent.

21. The Prestige
I’m guessing this will surprise a few people. The moral question at the center of this movie, about how far people will go for fame, is one of the most fascinating I’ve ever seen in a movie. I’ve spent days rolling this movie around in my head and it just gets better and better each time.

Coming tomorrow: #20-11

JR

A&M's Top 50 Movies of The Decade (part 2)

2009-12-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

Today: #40-31
Yesterday: Intro and #50-41

40. Taken
When this movie ended I sat up in my chair and proclaimed loudly, “greatest movie of all time!” – I was a little excited obviously, but it’s pretty fucking awesome. Literally the most exciting 96 minutes in film history, Liam starts killing people at about the 14-minute mark and doesn’t stop until the movie is over. There’s actually a moment when he pops out of a corner and kills the credits.

39. Old School
Is this the most quotable movie of the decade? How many times have you said “earmuffs” since you saw this? 10? 50? There's some really great comedies on this list with a lot of hysterical scenes, but the part where Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart is the funniest moment of the decade for my money.

38. Constant Gardener
The last scene, with Ralph sitting triumphantly on the beach waiting for his killers to find him, is one of the most moving, touching and achingly sad things I’ve ever seen (come on, you can’t review 50 movies without a little bit of schmaltz). This movie is like a gigantic puzzle that unfolds like so many gigantic puzzles do: one piece at time. Oh fuck you, just rent this, it’s totally fucking tits.

37. History of Violence
I didn’t like this movie the first time I saw it. The violence felt gratuitous, the sex awkward and dirty, the ending weird and completely unsatisfying. But the movie grew on me after repeat viewings and now I appreciate the sly, subtle brilliance in the screenplay. John Hurt, Ed Harris and the sneaky hot Maria Bello are all incredible; but this is Viggo’s show and he fucking kills it (literally, figuratively and vaginally).

36. Closer
This movie is haunting. I haven’t seen it in four years but it’s still with me, a stink I can’t get off, like a bad cigar or “Antonio” the new scent by Antonio Banderas. Four terrible people doing terrible things to each other, yet for some reason you can’t denigrate either character; somehow you’re rooting for each person to succeed and fail at the same time. Writing this makes me want to watch it yet never watch it again.

35. The Aviator
If this movie were 35 minutes shorter, it’d be in the top 10. You’ll notice something about my top 10 when we get there, no film is longer than 2 hours and 20 minutes. You get any longer, and you don’t have Godfather or Shawshank in your title, then I’m not sticking around for the whole thing. Length is a major factor in rewatchability, and The Aviator is just too fucking long. Movies are like erections, if you have one that lasts longer than 2 hours and 20 minutes then you need to hop out of that creepy tub and go find a deer to fuck.

34. Finding Neverland
Sweet, innocent, touching; take the commas out of the beginning of this sentence and you’ve got a recipe for getting arrested on a playground; leave them in, and you’ve got Finding Neverland, a wonderful little movie with two of the biggest stars in history, Depp and Winslet doing their thing. The last hour is a little too obvious and maybe tries a bit too hard, but the overall product is outstanding.

33. Million Dollar Baby
A complete roller coast ride from start to finish; a boxing movie, a buddy movie, a kid from the wrong sides of the track does well movie, a euthanasia movie, a movie about religion, family and loss. In other words, a movie with alotta shit going on. Despite all of that, it’s a movie that loves it characters and gives them time to develop and grow. Clint has been a major star for 50 years, with movies like this, he’ll be famous for another 200.

32. Finding Nemo
Pixar’s most traditional movie in many ways is also one of its best; funny, exciting, scary at parts, really enjoyable from start to finish. Thank God for Pixar, can you imagine what parenthood would be like without Nemo? On a related note, I saw this movie on mushrooms once and couldn’t eat fish for six months afterward.

31. The Hangover
Is it too early to put this movie this high? After a few years and a few more viewings, will we realize that this was decidedly too low? I’m leaning towards the latter and so is Dr. Faggot.

JR

A&M’s Top 50 Movies of The Decade

2009-12-17T12:35:00.000-08:00

Unless you regularly eat soap you’ll see the headline above and know what this post is about, so I won’t spend too much time on the intro, but here are a few things to be cognizant of as you devour this list over the next few days:

- Lists like this, by their very nature, are completely useless, immaterial and stupid. But fuck are they fun to do. I highly recommend it.

- Ranking awesome movies is kind of like ranking Victoria’s Secret models: the top 10 is surprisingly the easiest part; with the bottom being the hardest b/c they are almost entirely based on mood. For me, the top 3 would be some combination of Miranda Kerr, Alessandra Ambrosio and Adriana Lima, and really does it matter who gets the #1 slot? Everyone wins if those three science projects are involved. But who gets the #41 slot? Much harder.

- On a related note, it’s difficult to balance older and newer movies, because the latter is unavoidably top of mind. I really had to go through IMDB to figure this out and have had to start over several times upon realizing a glaring omission.

- Rewatchability is a crucial factor. I really don’t think you can get an idea of how good a movie really is until you are 30 minutes into your 3rd viewing. The first viewing is always deceptive, impacted by hype, preconceived notions, etc; the second is heavily influenced by your lingering feelings from the first; the third, in a weird way, is the only truly unbiased viewing. This weighs heavily into my selection process.

- It’s also important not to let an individual performance affect the way you think about the movie as a whole, which is more difficult than you think. For example, I hate Lost in Translation; fuck that movie. But Bill Murray’s performance is one of the best of the decade, potentially top 5. If I find that movie on cable I always end up watching for a few minutes purely to see him, but quickly flip away when something reminds me how annoying that movie is. Does this make sense? Even if it doesn’t, fuck Lost in Translation.

- No, seriously, FUCK Lost in Translation.

Without further ado, the top 50 in reverse order:

50. The Bourne Ultimatum
The best pure action movie of the decade and possibly one of the most influential, how many movies have we seen since the first Bourne to feature hand-held filmed fight scenes? The Bourne movies were the Pearl Jam of the 90s, everyone wanted to sound like them.

49. Before the Devil Knows Your Dead
This movie came and went without anyone really noticing, but is one of the best suspense movies of the decade with an absolutely killer fucking cast. Hey meatheads, want to see the sneaky hot Marisa Tomei fucked doggy style for 5 minutes? I thought so.

48. Kill Bill
I love these movies, but the excessive dialogue gets a little tedious on repeat viewings. If anything, this movie is a victim of its own success: the action is so good we get impatient waiting for it.

47. The Queen
One of those movies I expected to fully hate and ended up completely riveted (when was the last time you had a good rivet? I highly recommend it.). So much going on in this movie, it has an unexpected depth and density that really carries it forward. The relationship between the monarchy and the government, which is really at the heart of the movie, is absolutely fascinating.

46. 40 Yr Old Virgin
Of the Apatow movies, this one has aged the best and holds up well over repeat viewings. Further proof that Seth Rogen is a fucking force as a supporting player and a C- as a leading man.

45. Little Miss Sunshine
Another highly influential movie with a host of imitators, this hasn’t aged as well as I thought it would but is still a great movie. Not much else to say.

44. Man on Fire
Strong case for the most underrated movie of the decade and definitely one of the most rewatchable; Denzel doing Denzel things and a very satisfying ending. Great movie to watch on TBS on a Tuesday.

43. The Incredibles
One of Pixar’s most relatable films even though it’s about superheroes; this one probably should’ve been higher. Not only does this movie tackle subjects like teen angst and midlife crisis as well, if not better, than any other movie in the decade, but it’s a fucking kick ass action movie to boot.

42. District 9
The most original, creative and mind-blowing movie of the decade, District 9 transcends the sci fi genre and succeeds on a multitude of levels. Remember the name Neill Blomkamp, folks, we’re going to see some major, major things from him over the next few years.

41. Elegy
I think only two people in America saw this movie, but they loved it and thought it was completely mesmerizing from start to finish. Has anyone had a weirder, cooler career than Ben Kingsley? Regardless of how you feel about little indie movies about aging professors and their much younger lovers, this movie does have one central theme that we can all get behind: how absolutely horrifically sad it would be if Penelope Cruz had to have her breasts removed. I think I’d become a Jehovah’s Witness and start selling bibles over the phone or some shit if that happened.

Coming tomorrow: #40-31

JR

Pole Licking

2009-12-11T16:05:00.001-08:00

I had two great jokes today that I wanted to share.

1. CNN ran a special about winter storms today and they had a segment on a kid who licked a pole and got his tongue stuck. They were showing clips from A Christmas Story comparing the two situations and I said, "it's nice to see a pole licking story that doesn't involve tiger woods."

2. For our company Christmas party tonight, everyone was required to bring a gift for the white elephant dumb fuck gift exchange (great indie band name), I went to Walgreens and bought anti-diarreha medicine, a cannister of handy wipes and a carton of tennis balls. I wrapped the whole thing in a little bag and wrote on the card: the perfect gift set for the gaseous tennis enthusiast.

Happy fucking Holidays!

JR

a closer look

2009-12-09T15:21:00.000-08:00

"Borrowed" from TheAwl.com:

If you're like me (and the rest of America, according to the Billboard Hot 100), you love the Jay-Z song "Empire State of Mind." But here's the thing: there's apparently a frequently-misunderstood lyric regarding popular NBA players LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, one that seems to leave a number of people befuddled. Maybe you've heard this line? It's in the second verse and goes something like this, "I got it made/If Jeezy’s payin’ LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade." A lot of people think this has to do with an NBA franchise, of which Jay-Z is a part-owner: the New Jersey—soon to be Brooklyn—Nets. Those people are wrong.

In Young Jeezy's song "24-23 (Kobe-Lebron)," Jeezy uses the players' jersey numbers to articulate the price he's paying of a kilogram of cocaine. The chorus of that song goes, "I used to pay Kobe [24], but now I pay LeBron [23]." This means that he used to pay $24,000 for a kilo of coke, whereas now? He only pays $23,000, you see.

So, in "Empire," Jay-Z takes this one step further, so as to show his impressive status in New York. He suggests that, while Jeezy may be paying $23,000, Jay-Z is paying a mere $3000 (expressed as Dwyane Wade's jersey number) for a kilo of cocaine.

*

hella tight

2009-12-07T16:04:00.001-08:00

By Magglio and Jericho

Apple
The funniest development in our home is how much Patch hates the toaster. It really is puzzling and hilarious all at the same time. Any time anyone touches the toaster, sets it or it dings as ready, he goes ape shit. And mind you, this is a dog that doesn’t ever bark. But for some reason that toaster has just rubbed him the wrong way. I think it’s because they’re shaped similarly, short and squatty. Or maybe some weird shit goes on when we’re at work and Patch and the toaster have had falling out. Whatever it is, it’s fascinating.

Moustache
I’m not eating meat that comes from factory farms. Only from family farms, which make up roughly 1% of all meat produced in America. Fuck you, I’m educated in this subject. Don’t try me. What I’m confused about is why vegetarian’s make such a strong effort to eat meat substitutes. It’s really fucking bizarre. Whole Foods makes a good veggie chili but they put soy protein in that “imitates meat texture.” What the fuck is that all about? That’s like being a lesbian who gets off on a dildo. Doesn’t make sense does it?

Apple
Whenever I’m in a bad mood i immediately put The Black Keys on. They're like a good cleanse, but one that doesn't make your poop a lot bigger (which apparently happens if you quit dairy). The Black Keys are the stoned blow job in a hot tub of bands.

Moustache
There is no chance Jake Locker is going to stay for his senior season at Washington. I’ve accepted this as fact. With a rookie salary cap rumored for 2011 why would he leave $10-$15 million on the table just to play one more season in college? I’m sorry. This just isn’t the way sports works. I don’t like it, not one bit. But look at Sam Bradford and Matt Leinart as recent examples of how this can backfire. Whatever. It was great watching his last hurrah on Saturday night, a 42-10 dismantling of Cal. Let’s get ready for the Nick Montana era!

Apple
We’re having an argument regarding the gloves pictured above. Magglio thinks they’re fresh to def. Jericho thinks they look like you’re going to a gay snowman party. What do you think?

III

"I'd pound her out"

2009-12-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

Last night I got super stoned and watched the 2-hour series premiere of Jersey Shores on MTV. Let me just say, that was the best waste of brain cells I’ve had in a long long time. I highly recommend you hop on board. Let me give you the quick overview. It’s basically a mash-up of the Real World and the 1 hour MTV True Life segment ‘I’m going to the Jersey Shore.’ They take a group of 8 (not 7, see it’s different!) over tanned, over buffed, over hair gelled guidos and guidettes and put them all in a house on the Jersey shore for the summer. It’s already the greatest show on television. There’s an abundance of sex, fist fights, and sloppy drunk hooters. The real question is will any of these folks be eligible for the RR/RW Challenge? Cause I’d pay good money to see Ronnie and Evan square off in an elimination event. Sometimes life hands you lemons and you make a lemon custard, eat it, shit it out and it sprouts a money tree. Yes. Sometimes life is that good. That my friends is what Jersey Shores means to me.

III

Dead To Me

2009-12-03T09:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Housh, or as you shall be referred to for the rest of my life: Cock-Sucking Pig-Fucking Worthless Cunt-Sucking Piece of shit,

Fuck you, you fucking pile of dog shit. This is what we're paying $8 million a year for?!?! 14 fucking yards against the fucking Rams! Here's a list of people that could get at least 40 yards against the Rams:

Justin Timblerlake
RuPaul
Julia Childs
Tahoe Santa (good for 67 and a touch easily)
My left nut
My right nut
RuPaul's nuts
Ken Ober
Woodrow Wilson
Kiera Knightley
The guy who hit the Balloon Boy balloon with a shovel to get the air out (easily the most underrated savage move of the year)
Malia Obama
The ShamWow guy (who has prolably been raped so many times in jail by now that his asshole looks the black hole Eric Bana used in Star Trek to go back in time 129 years)
The guy from Police Academy that did all the noises
Ted Danson's hair piece
Deon Butler (the third string receiver on the Hawks who unequivocally should be starting over you)
My Mom
My Mom's Mom
My Mom's Mom's Mom
Your Mom
Anyone on fucking earth's Mom

Yes, most of the people on the list don't have the slightest bit of athletic ability. Yes, most are women and a lot of them are dead, but if we put these odds up in Vegas, we'd all win money betting against your dumb fucking ass.

"It's not my fault. It's the play calling. Hasselbeck isn't looking my way. We take what the defense gives us. I'm just running the plays they call."

Oh cut the fucking shit! Which is exactly what the Hawks should do this offseason, cut the fucking shit in the #84 jersey and forget this goddamn fucking thing ever happened.

Thanks,
Seahawk Fans everywhere.

JR

and also...

2009-12-02T14:26:00.000-08:00

Apple
Leighton Meester has a music video out. It features Robin Thicke. Now I’ll be honest. I’d like to put my poems inside of Leighton Meester, but what gives her the right to think she’s a pop artist? She’s not. She’s a good looking, bitchy actress, on the CW network. That’s it. This is the equivalent of when Joe Buck tried to do a monologue on his late night show. Everyone just thought he was announcing things rather than trying to make jokes. The outcome was disastrous. Stick to what you know Leighton. Wearing Louboutin’s and causing drama..you sexy bitch.

Moustache
An actual conversation between my brother and I:

Me: Them Crooked Vultures.

Scrotum: Totally.

Me: Have you listened to them yet?

Scrotum: No idea what you are talking about. Sometimes I say totally when I really mean I have no idea what you are talking about. Like the whole Jesus was a carpenter thing.

Apple
Hand jobs are like Canada. Nobody loves them and it’s not really where you want to go....but it’s better than not going anywhere at all.

Moustache
Ever seen the video for ‘Empire State of Mind’? I can’t figure out why Alicia Keyes is dancing and playing the piano at the same time. Don’t you think she should just choose one and stick to it?

III

Allez L'OM!

2009-11-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

l'Olympique !

OM - PSG (1-0) : Une seule cause, l'Olympique

***

Where's your will to be weird?

2009-11-13T10:59:00.000-08:00

Thanks Murph!

*

A&M and Tony Sheffler!

2009-11-09T16:16:00.000-08:00

by Magglio and Jericho

Apple
I’m thankful I’m not a Cal football fan. I think that has to be the toughest team to root for. I know this because my brother, Scrotum, gets his hopes and dreams destroyed every single Saturday. Cal is supposed to be a national powerhouse. They have the tools in place. They just can’t ever seem to reach that level of prominence. And if they do get up there in there rankings, they wind up eating a big fat shit burger. The home loss to Oregon State this weekend unfortunately was nothing new for Cal fans. Neither will be the dismantling the Huskies are going to hand them on 12/6. Ya heard.

Moustache
Follow up note: when are Cal fans going to accept the fact that Tedford is a terrible head coach? He's an offensive whiz no doubt (whatever that even means) but the undeniable fact is that Cal underperforms every single year, which is directly on the head coach. I know he's revered in the Bay Area and has brought the program out of the doldrums, but I'd also be willing to bet that he's the offensive coordinator for BYU in three years.

Apple
Hey Andre Agassi, welcome to the Brett Favre club entitled... ‘please just die quietly’

Moustache
I had a horrible sports betting weekend. Fuck Tampa Bay, fuck the Cowboys and fuck Stanford. On another note, I’m leading Jericho 99-78 in a pivotal fantasy match up this week heading into MNF. He’s got Knowshon Moreno and I have Tony Sheffler. Yes, I’m completely embarrassed that I start Tony Sheffler at TE.

Apple
Great stat I came across today: Alex Rodriguez made history when the Yankees won the World Series. It was the first time in 23 years that the highest-paid player in baseball won a World Series ring. The 1986 Mets released George Foster in August when he had the game’s fattest salary — $2.8 million. But the second-highest salary belonged to their catcher, Gary Carter.

Moustache
I texted Patch to let him know Jericho is coming over to watch MNF with us after work. Yes, I’ve taught my dog to text message. He just wrote back “Totally tits”

Apple
Reason #165 why I love Facebook: You get to keep tabs on who your friends bring as dates to weddings etc. The picture above is Tahoe’s date from the wedding he went to this weekend. Well done my friend, well done.

III

You really do have to love the South

2009-11-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

By Caity, A&M's favorite lesbian softball player

Firstly, I co-sign this sentence. “Fuck you I know I haven’t written in a while. Get over it.”

Secondly, a few things have happened since the last time we spoke:

Number 1:
I got a back alley massage that sent me into what I like to call "deep eval." This is where I sit down, pour myself a very stiff Kettle and tonic and evaluate where exactly it all went wrong. At what point, I wonder, did I set myself on the path to a $35 trial massage from "The Rub Club?" A massage that included a soundtrack provided by what I have to assume were 250 pound epileptics attempting to tap dance in the studio above this hell hole come massage parlor. A few things would have tipped most people off to the fact that this situation would not end well (namely, that it was in my neighborhood, which is very--I think "transitional" is currently the polite term), but I had legitimate neck pain and work at a non-profit, so I was willing to take a chance. Granted, my judgment has not been the best in the past when it comes to massages, so I might have taken that into consideration as well.

(Once, on a layover, I got an airport massage during which the strapping young man administering it got so close to knowing me Biblically I felt I should have shared a cigarette with him afterward. When I realized where he was headed, I initially panicked and wasted a good five minutes of what can only be described as heavy petting trying to figure out a way to politely ask him to remove his person from mine, before I started thinking clearly and realized he was hot and I was in the middle of an epic dry spell. I've never been afraid of some strange, so why the hell not, right? No? That's just me? Anyway, just as I was warming to the idea the little tease pulled out--I mean back. Moral of the story: Any 60 minute rub down is better than no 60 minute rub down in my book. Or so I thought.)

Then I met the woman I like to refer to as THIS BITCH. As in, "THIS BITCH came at me with some half-assed moves she learned off the 90 minute instructional video they showed her in the break room and 50 thread count sheets." I've gone entire weeks eating nothing but Ramen Noodles and the Wendy's $.99 menu, but my skin has not felt the touch of anything fewer than a 500 thread count since middle school. Well, that is if you leave aside an unfortunate evening spent in an Asheville, NC Best Western that included me passed out cuddling a bottle of Maker's Mark, two of my best friends having "the quietest sex ever" in the neighboring bed, and a dress I'll never wear again. But that's another post.

Number 2:
I joined my neighborhood softball team (Allie and Poodle, fuck both of you and your lesbian jokes in advance) with the hope of meeting a few of my fellow Atlantans, and perhaps having a few of the more attractive ones penetrate me. Things have not gone as planned. I'm not sure what I expected, but old, married and/or gay was not it. Thus far, the closest I've come is a drunken post-game conversation with my ex that included the phrase, "So, are we going to play footsie all night, or are we going to go home and have sex?" And that, my friends, was probably the classiest part of the evening. Upon hearing this story, one of my oldest, dearest friends put it best when she said, "There are, like, 2 million men in Atlanta. Only half of them have seen you naked. There's really no need for repeats at this hour." Real talk.

Number 3:
I went to my first gay strip club. I spent a good bit of time post-college squatting on my number one gay's couch in the Castro, so this may come as a surprise to many of you. (And by many, I obviously mean the 15 strong readership of A&M--Hi, Mom!) It was Pride Week in Atlanta, and a friend of mine suggested we make a pilgrimage to a classy little establishment called Swingin' Richards. Now, when I was in San Fransisco my laundromat was called the Sit 'n' Spin, and I would sit at the bar of Moby Dick's on the daily and slam cosmos with the biggest bears and bitchiest power bottoms the city had to offer, but none of it prepared me for Swingin' Richards. There's something about walking into a place and having one's first image be of an elderly gentleman being repeatedly, willingly and joyfully mushroom tagged in the face that one cannot prepare for. My favorite part, however, was the fact that on several occasions they edited the curse words out of the ghetto beats that provided the mood music to this little pageant.

You really do have to love the south.

<>

Dear Mariah

2009-11-06T12:33:00.001-08:00

Dear Mariah,

Please stop stepping on me, it hurts. Thanks.

Planet Earth.

JR